Finally, after weeks of not having a quiet moment to myself I finally have some time to reflect and think about what happened in August. It has been a whirlwind, a tornado, an earth quick. It has been overwhelming, maddening, depressing, and hopeful all wrapped into one month. It all started because of my collapsed lung that I have been working to get help with since April when I found out about it with my first lung broncho surgery with Dr. W my pulmonalogist. She discovered that my left lung was collapsed and my lung airways were closed or closing on both sides. She felt ill equipped to deal with it, so she found a specialist that could. I met with this dude and he set up the surgery for May 4th and it did not happen because he sent me to someone else without even telling me or giving the other dude all of my information. I was angry, still am. Then I had to wait months and months with no answers from him or the other guy. I finally went to Dr. A, my beloved ENT to ask for his help, because I trust him and I know that he knows people he trusts. He suggest a thoracici surgeon he was hearing good things about Dr. K. I am thankful that Dr. K. Decided to take me on, a challenging mess and help me. My first surgery with her was on August 10th.
I have been waiting since April to get this done. I was suffering, I was in strydor breathing. It was horrible. I could barely do anything, but just sit there and force myself to breathe. It sucked the life out of me. I couldn’t enjoy my life anymore. I had not given up. It was just hard. It is hard to explain that feeling. When you are hopeful for life, but still not able to move to live it. It is draining. It is overwhelming. It scared me. I was not, am not ready to die. I have a lot I want to accomplish and do. On August 10th, my good friend Amber took me to my surgery appointment and stayed with me. I was staying the night because I always do. Dr. K and Dr. A were collaborating together during this surgery. It was time for my throat dilation and Dr. A was going to do this while giving Dr. K and opportunity to see my lungs and what she would be working with. Nothing went as planned, she needed to go deeper and did not have everything she will need for my surgery, so I would be going back in with Dr. K for her to do what she thought would be best for me. My surgery was Thursday, so my first night was good, I was good. I felt good. Friday night, well, I was not able to get all the carbon monoxide out of my body, so the RN was having a hard time keeping me awake or waking me up. So I had to go on the ventallotor so that the carbon monoxide could be released from my body. It was a scary experience. Apparently, I am calm under stressed and did not freak out. I was not mean to anyone. Thank God. I’m glad. That would be my worse fear being cruel and mean while not being myself. So for a couple of days I was on a ventallotor to get the carbon out of my body. In case you did not know you make carbon monoxide in your body. You breathe oxygen in and you breathe the carbon monoxide out of your body that comes from the oxygen. If you don’t, then you can die. So I woke up in the ICU not exactly sure what happened or where I was. My vision was blurry, I couldn’t see straight, I was wired up with every wire known to man, with beeping machines that were so loud and obnoxious, and I couldn’t get up to pee on my own. Not fun. I was weak and disoriented. Although, from all the RN’s that kept coming in to see me the next few days I made quite the impression on them. It must be my cute butt. I don’t know. I know that my boyfriend, my family, and my friends were freaking out because they had not heard from me. No one knew what was going on, because I couldn’t text them to tell them what was happening to me. I don’t think the hospital called anyone either, it is scary situation to be in. I do know I have an advance directive with the hospital, but I don’t know their protocol of when they call or not.
That being said, I was a hot mess. Finally, I was aware enough to know where I was, but my vision and my body was still weak. I was still on the ventilator and had a cuffed trach tube in so I could not talk to communicate. It is so frustrating because people are fast and want answers fast and when you cannot verbally give them it takes a long time. It is embarrassing and humbling and kind of makes you feel less like a human being. My friend Summer, came to see me that Saturday and stayed for a little bit. I am grateful she helped me to get my phone and help me navigate it so that I can at least communicate with my tribe of people. We even called people so that they knew what was going on. I was worried about my boy and so my sister in law went to check on Nicholas for me and take him home with her. I also talked to my sister and she immediately took a flight out of Alabama to come be with me. Even more craziness happened. Dr. A came in with tears in his eyes, he did not know how to tell me, but he let me know how amazing I am and a fighter but I may need to consider going into a nursing facility while getting this fixed because of I may need to be on a ventilator and need more care because of my lung. This was before Dr. K or Dr. A looked at my lung more closely. It took two weeks for the plan for my lung to happened and to get the stint ordered that was needed for my lung. Dr. K ordered a titanium stint that would be left in and slowly open for two weeks. I had this surgery a week ago Thursday. I am doing so much better. My left lung is coming back. The issue was mucus plugs and I was not getting it all out. Now, with the stint it is coming back alive and working again. I am not needing as much oxygen. I am being more mindful of coughing out all the plugs and not being embarrassed around company or people anymore. They are just going to have to get over their phobia about mucus, because if you don’t get it out it collapses your lung and you die. Sorry, you being disgusted is not more important right now. Just deal with it. I do not mean to sound harsh, but that is how I am feeling right now. I am being more diligent about getting the mucus out of my lungs and body.
My sister Vickie has been her for two weeks so far, the first week I was in the hospital and we had a great visit and watched TV while I stayed in a chair next to my bed because I was leashed by the hose and wires that were connected to me. I got home on Saturday. I am getting physically stronger, at least my legs are. I’m also relearning what it means to actually breathe with a full lungs and appreciating that feeling again. We also have been organizing and rearranging my home to fit my needs better so I can function and do more things. This is something that I have been wanting to do for a long time. In the evening, while eating dinner we have been watching movies together on my bed with Nicholas. Nicholas has not left my side since I have been home. He has been the sweetest thing ever. It feels good to be back home. I did not read, I did not write, I did not do my normal things while in the hospital for 16 days. I did bring a couple of books and I did bring writing stuff, I just did not it. I had some amazing RN’s and CNA’ who came in and helped me. Both men and woman. They all made me laugh, and we had great conversations about food and choices in life and why they moved to the USA or why they became an RN. I like a good conversation. I do not miss getting up in the night to get a bath or having to ask permission to get out of bed to pee in a commode by the side of the bed or being wired up to every machine known to man that made awful noises and alarms go off every time you scratch your nose or eat your food or take a sip of water. I was ready to leave when I left. I’m grateful to be home with my own noises.
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