Another month has bit the dust. It has been going by so fast, hasn’t it? I cannot believe this is the last weekend of February. I sometimes get overwhelmed with how fast time flies.
I’m sitting on my bed listening to an audible book on my Kindle as I write. It is the middle of the night and as usual, pain is causing me to have sleep issues. I have learned over the years to not worry about sleepless nights. I do this by getting up and do something instead of laying in bed worrying about sleeping. Those of us with chronic conditions understand the dilemma of sleep, but I am one of the lucky ones because I do not have a family who depends on me or a job. It is just me and my beloved cat. I am also blessed with a caregiver that helps me with chores and things that I need.
I had lofty goals for February, but God had other plans for me. February became a month of reflection. I reflected a lot. February triggers me. A man that I loved deeply and committed to passed away on February 18th, 2004. This lost affected me deeply, not just because he passed, but because it was an abusive and toxic relationship. When he died, I was beaten down and broken. For the last 18 years, I have been on a journey of healing. Healing does not happen in a set amount of time. I wish people would consider this when they make comments or remarks. Healing takes time. It takes the exact amount of time the person needs to reflect, grieve, get angry, worry, and all the tangled-up emotions that come with abuse and trauma. This year, I reflected about how far I have come since 2004. I gained my voice back. My voice is strong. It is decisive. It is opinionated. I reflected on my peaceful home. My old home was full of drama, either from the TV, but from the man himself. He liked to stir up drama between me and my family or my friends and with his daughter and sisters. I have not had any family drama since he passed. It has been nice. I am not on edge and waiting for the shoe to drop or waiting to be screamed at and criticized or being compared. I’m allowed to be myself. I have developed meaningful and healthy relationships that I am free to communicate, and they are free to communicate with me. I love this. I have learned to take care of my own body. Before, I had to take care of him and his medical issues and never had time or energy to reflect on my own health issues. I had diabetes back then, but the food and everything was centered around his diabetes and his needs and not mine. I get to choose how and what I want to eat. I am not reliant on his food choice. This was the biggest contention between us. He wanted doughnuts, Chinese food, Mexican food from restaurants and fast food, and he would order several huge meals and eat them all himself. I even had to spend my own money so that he got what he wanted. I paid all the bills on the home while he used his money on his Elvis collection and other stupid things and even a tankless water heater that never worked right. This month I dreamt about myself standing up to him, yelling I am done. This felt freeing when I woke up.
I did complete some of my goals for February. These are the things I completed:
- I posted 3 book reviews. I read some great books.
- I drank tea this month, although not daily. I did have it more often than I have had in the past.
- I have kept track of my blood sugars in my planner.
- I made 3 doctors’ appointments that I needed to for the month of March.
- I got my power chair on Valentine’s Day. It is red and I love it. I named her Red. I sing this song while I am riding around. I just need the big sunglasses and an apron and it will be perfect. My goal is to get safety tape and a flag for my chair.
I hope you had a great February and March is amazing. Remember to breathe.
Breathe well my friend!
Please wait...