Chronic pain, illness, and disability are painful yet effective teachers. They have an intense propensity to mold us and form us in empathy, compassion, and wisdom, enhancing our ability to be the hands and feet of God.
Ester Smith
I’m sitting on my bed typing and pretending I’m sitting on the sandy beach by the ocean, listening to the waves crashing against the shore, smelling the salty air, and feeling the cool breeze hitting my skin. I do a lot of pretending, I think all of us with chronic conditions do. One day I hope to make my daydream become reality.
The quote above is from a book that I read this month called “But God Wouldn’t I Be More Useful to you if I was Healthy?” by Ester Smith. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is going through the process of finding their purpose with a chronic illness. This month I have been a reading fiend. I have been reading fiction and non-fiction on many different types of subject matters. I read two mystery novels of debut writers from Revell (I’ve recently reviewed their books). I read books on essential oils and how to use them in your own healing journey. I even made my own ointment with some of my essential oils. By the way, I love the feel of it on my skin. It feels so much better than store bought, just my opinion. I have also been watching documentaries on obesity and I will be writing a review and my thoughts on it in another post. I have also been listening to some great podcasts. Why am I doing all of this? Well, from the obvious of keeping myself from not getting bored with the chronic illness life style, I am also preparing my body and mind for the journey that is ahead of me. I finally got my appointment for the cardiac clearance aspect of the bariatric surgery. That happens on August 22nd. I got brave and I wrote several key people in my family and let them know what is going on and open up myself to them about what I need or want from them. Daily, I see posts from people no matter what shape they are in complaining about their family or friends or people in general not being there for them or being lonely and I think to myself, do you ever reach out so it is time to reach out. Did you ever say I want to spend time with you, I want a hug from you, I want to share a cup of tea or coffee with you. Most importantly, I want to see your face. Then I turned it around on me. I have been feeling rather lonely. Most of my life, I have felt that way. I didn’t feel included or wanted or that anyone wanted to include me in their lives. It probably stems from the fact that my birth father abandoned me when I was a child and I had a mentall ill birth mother who wasn’t that emotional or physically supportive of me. That is why I chose to reach out and let people know what I am needing from them. I’m tired of just assuming things. I know that assumptions kill relationships. I see it happening all around me. I aim not to assume anymore and to be brave and ask questions even if I am uncomfortable. Relationships are valuable to me.
An end is at hand, I no longer want the same things that I once thought I wanted and I’m going into a different chapter in my life. I’m preparing my mind for the milk diet by doing some mindfulness exercises that my counselor has recommended I do, one is for muscle relaxation. I’m looking forward to filling my tool bag with new things that will be part of my arsenal for self-care.
This weekend I plan on watching a couple of DVDs, reading in a couple of books, and writing.
Chao for now and remember to keep on breathing.
Please wait...