Optism is like a muscle that gets stronger with use. When you want to build a muscle, you’ve got to keep using it. That’s how you have to be. I’m an enternal optimist and so I can find those little silver linings, those little moral victories. It takes courage to believe that the best is yet to come. Robin Roberts

The quote above by Robin Roberts came from a book I read recently. I forgot the title of it, but the quote so touched my heart and soul that I needed to write it down and ruminate on it for awhile. Unlike what most people think I was not born an optimistic person. I have monster voices in my head that tell me that I am too fat, that I am not worth tits on a boar hog, or that I am not worthy of anything. This voice takes on the illusion of my birth mother who passed away when I was 13 and who would often says these comments to me. Somehow I have carried it into my adulthood and I am working to get rid of her voice. Her voice, that pokes me like porcupine quills in my heart and mind. The voice, that I hear everytime I get lonely, bored, or make a mistake or have another health challenge. You see, most of you who don’t know me well, don’t know that my mother chose to die. She made the choice when she found out she had a tumor in her heart to not seek medical help, surgery, or even tell her family that she was ill. We only found out after she died. That is one promise I have made to myself and that is why I have been open in sharing my story, even the ugly, painful parts of my medical journal. There is another ugly part to my story, the part of not only physical abuse, sexual abuse, but also emotional abuse that sometimes plaques my mind and causes me to put up barriers to keep me safe. It is now time for me to share the emotional aspects, yes, I am strong, yes, I’m stubborn, and yes I am good at finding my faults and deciding to change something and do it. I also have parts of my self that is still scared of men. I have made major leaps and bounds towards learning to love and trust them, thanks in part to my adoptive brother and his sons and even my own nephew. But I still have doubts. I still have that nagging voice that tells me that all men are scumbags. The logical part of my brain tells me that isn’t true, but the small child who was abandoned by her birth father, used by her mother as a sexual toy in order for her to keep her boyfriends around, and even men who I chose myself who were perverts and didn’t know how to have a healthy relationship with a woman. 

Yet, despite all this I want things. I desire to be a better person on the inside and on the outside. Although, I struggle with my outside beauty, my inside beauty is always revolving and changing. I have found that I can develop good relationships with people, even with my birth family. That there are a few men in my life whom I can trust are not sexual deviants and can be a friend or a family member without expecting me to perform or deliver. I know now, that I can be alone and that I don’t have to be on all the time in taking care of someone else and their needs or wants.  I know too, that when push comes to shove that I am not only worth fighting for, but I can fight for me. 

That being said, soon, real soon, I will be embarking on the next leg of my bariatric surgery adventure. It took me a year to get to the point of getting the referral for seeing the surgeon. When I see the surgeon then I will be starting the milk phase of the plan. I hate milk, but sometimes in life you have to muddle through the ugly, disgusting, and unpleasant parts of life to get through the black gunk to make the diamond. One thing I know is that it will be worth it all in the end. 

Karen, from Wellness Works NW has asked me to share my journey on my blog, my column on Wellness Works NW, and on my Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Forgive me, I’m still learning to use my social media accounts and figuring out how to take pictures and video with my fancy Canon Camera and my Kindle fire and posting it on all my networks, for those who have experience in doing this feel free to email me or text me or Facebook me suggestions. I appreciate any input. 

The only thing that I ask please do not make negative comments, rude remarks, be a bully, or just a plain asshole on any of my social media because not only will you be blocked, but I may sick my cat on you. Yes, I know I’m fat, I know it is ugly, and sometimes you have to see the ugly in order to improve. So if you can’t say anything nice, then be quiet. After all, we were all taught to have manners and sometimes we forget about that on social media. Thank you….