Warm, cozy, and safe on my bed laying beside me cleaning himself is my protection, comfort buddy, and the best darn fur buddy I have every been in a relationship with my Nicholas. I’m surrounded by things that comfort me, a soft pink blanket that one of my sisters gave me, a soft white blanket that an ex-caregiver gave me, tons of pillows and a wedge pillow that keeps me up while I am sleeping or sitting on my bed that I got from a sister, and my difuser filled with water and essential oils that relax me and make my home smell pretty. You are probably wondering why I am talking about comfort, cozyiness, and happy things?
I had a rough day, actually a rough couple of weeks. I am in need of another bronchoscopy dilation surgery because my airway is tight again. I feel it. The middle of my chest hurts from all the coughing and the tightness. This morning at my ENT the doctor used silver nitrate to burn off granulations in my stoma. Ouch! I woke up frustrated, overwhelmed, exhausted, and extremely uncomfortable. It is hard to think of the right words to all the feelings that compile when you are not able to catch your breath. When your heart beats in your ears every time you move, you cough up mucus, blood, and grossness everywhere. You cough so hard everything comes flying out of your bottom half. Not fun at all. I hate complaining about things that I cannot control. I hate complaining when I can’t fix the problem. I hate becoming a bitter, angry, and untouchable woman who no one can stand to be around. It was more challenging than ever to think of the joys in my life. The simple comforts that get me through. The wonderful people who support me. The beauty that surrounds me and allows me to be Jamie. I’m writing this to let you know that I am not Polly Anna with the perfect attitude and I don’t struggle to choose joy and happiness over the angry monster I could be.
My surgery is set for May 8th and I will be taking it easy, sitting on my bed, writing, reading, and watching movies, journaling, and listening to pod casts.
Keep on breathing my friends and finding the joy in your life…
Please wait...