Remembering

I remember a time when nothing on my body hurt. I remember a time when I could walk freely without feeling like I was going to fall over or that oxygen was limited. I remember a time when I could ride my bike, walk 3 miles without stopping, dance joyously, and talk without having to cover my stoma in my throat. My life has changed. Some of the many changes that have happened because of my illnesses have been wonderful, some are terrible.

The wonderful changes have been in my sense of identity. I now know where I want to go and who I want in my life. I know I value relationships and that I want them to be healthy and strong. I also know that communication is vital to any relationship that I have. Words can either speak life or they can cause death in everyone and everything in your life. Remember the dry bones in Ezekiel? In case you want to read about it and be reminded read Ezekiel 37.

I’ve learned the importance of being quiet and not being so busy that I cannot sit and be still and know that God is good. Silence allows God to speak to you and show you where to go.

This first week of 2019 have brought some changes in my life, yet again. I’m losing an important person in my life, my caregiver that I have had for almost 3 years. She needs to lovingly take care of her parents. That is an important job and I understand this. She has made me laugh, be silly, and we have had some wonderful thought provoking talks too. I am going to miss her dearly. I miss her and so does my cat Nicholas. Change is a part of life, even so, it is difficult and wonderful all in one. In the case of my caregiver I have not lost a friend. We still keep in touch. We will see each other. The only change is it won’t be daily.

Another change that has happened this first month in January is I had my mammogram and they found something. I had to get a biopsy, thankfully, I don’t have breast cancer. Still the waiting, wondering what will happen is in the air. It rattles you when the possibility hits you between the eyes that cancer can happen to you. I realize that getting regular mammograms is important. Yes, they are annoying. Having another person fiddling with you breasts to make it fit under some plastic vise thing so it can smash you is not fun. You know what is another thing that isn’t fun is going through chemo because you have breast cancer. It is important to catch it in the early stages. Men, listen up, you can get breast cancer too, so get your mammograms men and women.

Right now, I am fighting an ear infection on my left side. My ear canal is swollen and I experienced for the first time in my life a doctor thinking I wanted narcotics for my ear pain. I calmly told him no, that is not what I wanted. I wanted the ear drops antibiotics so I didn’t have to keep going through the horrid pain for five days. Guess what I had to live with the horrid pain for five days before I could see my ENT. The system is a whacky. Urgent care is a whacky system and it is hard to get good care when doctors think you are only their for narcotics. I’m still wrapping my brain around that experience.

Even though, I have had some challenges this first month of the year. It wasn’t that bad. I am making new friends with two new caregivers. I have started my new book challenge to read 150 books by the end of 2019. I got an awesome planner so that I can plan articles to write and my doctor appointments all in one. And finally, I know that despite the one doctor at urgent care who thinks I am a drug seeker. I have several doctors who know better than that. I have the antibiotic drops I wanted and the pain has subsided enough that I can sleep and not take a ton of tylenol. Tylenol is like taking a sugar pill to me, but it was better than nothing.

Breathe well…