Finally, it feels like I am making progress. In January, when I chose the word rebuild as my focus word for the year I didn’t realize all the challenges I would encounter. Those challenges include many thoughts of self-doubt, wondering if I am making the best decision about seeking gastric bypass and wondering if I could even make any type of progress, in regards to my health. I long for the days that I could walk the three miles around Lake Sacajawea in the middle of Longview Washington where I grew up. I long for the days I could ride my bike around town and not get out of breath and have to stop after three steps. I long for the day I had enough energy to accomplish one task without having to rest. In reality, I can’t do those things any longer, but I can choose new goals to accomplish in regards to movement.
This year I chose the focus word Rebuild. I didn’t realize how challenging rebuilding takes. I have read Nehemia many times when he rebuilds the temple walls in Jerusalem. He endures so much with criticism from his own people, from his enemies, and even the wall falling apart. Yet, he keeps moving forward. He started with praying and then he took assessment of the situation. Often times I have just started the work without praying and assessing where I am and how much damage has been done. In my past mindset I have looked at these as a step that seemed unnecessary and slows me down to the path of my goal. Now, I see it has a valuable, important step to take before you even take the first step.
As for progress, I have one more thing to do for my gastric bypass. That is getting clearance for surgery from my ENT. I’m waiting for him to write the letter and then I have completed the process in order to see the surgeons. People assume gastric bypass is in a way of giving up, but it truly isn’t. It still takes work. The work involves changing your mindset about how to eat well for your body and moving your body. Since October I have been working with a physical therapist in helping me come up with an exercise plan that is doable for me. Working with him, I have discovered that I am stronger than I thought and I am determined to keep living well despite my many obstacles with my health. Friday will be my last day with my physical therapist and I am going to miss him dearly. He has made moving fun and he has treated me with kindness and given me challenges without treating me like I am weak. I appreciate that so much. I hope one day that I will be able to find a trainer that will be able to guide me like my physical therapist has.
My emotions have been up and down. I have suffered a few setbacks with my health. The first one is that I had to stop taking Rituximab because my hemoglobin levels were too low to continue. I was due in September and because I didn’t get the infusion my Rheumatoid Arthritis suffered. I ended up going into a serious flair. I was in serious pain. I also felt a bit defeated. Thankfully I have a Rhumatoligist who works well with me and she got me on a couple of new medications to help me through it. Cellcept and XelJantz are the two new meds. Because of the XelJantz making my blood sugars higher I had to go on a low dose of insulin, that felt like a sucker punch to the face. With determination and the gastric bypass surgery I hope to get off the insulin.
It is hard to believe 2018 is almost over and it is time to pick a new focus word. That is what I am currently praying about and considering as I step forward.
Until next time, keep breathing and be well….
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