Still Moving Forward

Isn’t it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet? Lucy Maud Montgomery

These last couple of weeks I have been recuperating from my vacation. With my chronic condition it takes me a long time to get back to my normal routine and health. On top of that I have been dealing with serious weight gain. In the last 2 months I have gained 72 pounds. I hate it. Come to find out it is because of the increase in my Gabapentin. I have made the decision to lower my Gabapentin to 300 MG’s and then go off of it. I’m going to ask the doctor for a new medication that doesn’t have weight gain as a side effect. Ugh! It is always something.

Last week in my pain management class we did a meditation called a Body Scan. I liked it a lot. Then on Monday, during my counseling appointment we talked about meditation and the Emwave. An Emwave is a way to measure your breathing along with your heart rate to see if you are in survivor mode, anxious mode, or in a calm place. My measurements were so off even with my meditation. It showed that I am in survivor mode all the time because of my breathing. My counselor went to the Emwave room with me and she did the body scan meditation again while I closed my eyes and tried to relax. It was the same as I did when I am on my own. With the Emwave the goal is to get this big dips in your heart rate and I only go there a couple of times instead of a consistent dips.  She and I came up with a plan, she is going to make me copies of CDs of meditation that I can do at home. I am to practice meditation at home a couple of times a day.

I am finding that we are so focused on the physical aspects of our bodies that we are not slowing down and breathing and getting our heart rates down into non-survivor mode. Exercise doesn’t do it alone. You need exercise and meditation in order to get your heart rate where it should be. I am learning that wellness is a balancing act and requires looking at our lives like a big circle and have each section of our lives sectioned out in the circle. I’m focusing on looking at my circle and filling in my sections and meditation is one of those things.

I have not heard back about occupational therapy yet, but I’m hoping to soon. My counselor is seeking it out for me and I’ll know more on Monday when I see her for Art therapy. I have struggled in wanting to go to art therapy or my other appointments. I’m tired. I’m wondering why I am even bothering since it isn’t curing me. I know in my brain that just because I’m not going to be cured of my stenosis I still can live well. I’m still fighting. I’m still breathing. But I struggle it isn’t easy. Lately, my stoma has been hurting while I’m taking my trach out or putting it back in and sometimes even when I am not messing with it. Life with a trach is full of challenges, so is life with a tracheal stenosis. Like Gilda Radner says “It’s always something.”

Be well my friend, I’m still fighting, still moving forward, and still learning what my life is like with my stenosis.