A Breakthrough

I have been procrastinating writing a personal post for the last few weeks. It seemed daunting to me. I felt overwhelmed. I have so many thoughts running through my brain. Thoughts of what I want to accomplish before I take my last breathe. Thoughts on how to navigate a hospital system that can turn you away and not help you without even looking at you or hearing what you have to say. Thoughts on living my life with a trach and being thankful that I can at least breathe a bit better. Thoughts on moving my body, eating well for my body, and building a community and being able to be part of that community once I have built it. Yeah, I know, I overthink a lot.

In between my thoughts, I have been on a quest of just doing. I’ve taken small steps. I’m thankful that I no longer feel like I have been run over by a Mack truck. January was busy just breathing and healing.

Here are some things that brought me joy:

• I discovered that my public library offers a service for those of us like me who is disabled and do not get around well. They will let me go to their website pick out books and then have them mailed to me and then I can mail them back when I am finished. This is awesome. I love it.
• While healing, I made the decision to go ahead and get a port put in. I saw my surgeon on February 1^st. I found out that my insurance will cover it and now all that I need to do is what for the radiologist office to call me to set up an appointment.
• At my surgeon appointment I found out that I lost 39 pounds. I have no idea how this happened, since I haven’t been focusing on losing weight. I have been eating a big differently, real food and drinking more water. I think part of it is water weight too, but any weight loss is a good thing for me.
• I’ve been watching comedies from Netflix. I watched Ghostbusters the new one with Melissa McCarthy and Bad Mom’s, and Barbershop. Laughter is good medicine for the soul and body.
• I started back with counseling. I told Amanda my counselor about choosing my two focus words Enjoy and Identity. She thought it was a good idea and in fact gave me a couple of worksheets to fill out. I will be working on some of the questions this weekend.

I’m still working on becoming unblocked. When I had my surgery in November I felt unheard by the new doctors at OHSU. I felt discounted in the decision making of my body and illness. That seemed to have deflated me in my writing, in achieving some of the goals I wanted to accomplish. As I started journaling I realize that I can’t live well blocked. I’m still working on what my intentions will be. I believe that intentions change as we grow and become better people. Wellness is not a stagnate thing. Wellness grows, it moves, and it changes are we change our brains, bodies, and habits. That is the ultimate lesson that I learned. Be well my friends.