For the last month I have not felt like writing anything personal for my blog. Since my last surgery and it’s complications I have felt an avoidance of writing or even facing the challenge that I know is before me. I needed quiet. I needed time away from thinking about my disabilities, my breathing issues, and even facing another surgery. I believe sometimes one must have a quiet time to rest up for the long walk around their mountain. My mountain I must go around and chew bite by bite is my trachea and the trauma from my past. It is time for me face this beast.
Since my surgery on September 9th where I had another larynx spasm while waking up from surgery I have felt an emotional disconnect. I don’t know how to explain it, but I am going to do my best to describe this to you. The best I can describe is I didn’t know what I was feeling, why I was feeling, or put a name to the feeling I was feeling. I just knew that there was something there that needed to be expressed. I felt it in my mind, my chest, and my throat area. Come to find out it was a whole melting pot of emotions. It just took me time to discover what those were. I relied on God through prayer and journaling to share with me what they were.
When I started breaking down what I was feeling, these emotions came up. Defeat because none of the surgeries have been a permanent solution to my tracheal stenosis. Worn out because being in a perpetual state of healing all the time is exhausting. Anger, for a lot of reasons, such as, that others were benefiting from my pain and I wasn’t. Anger because I didn’t seem to be making any type of progress that a woman my age is supposed to be making. Anger because I felt abandoned by my family, my friends, and from the whole medical system. Anger because I seemed to be staying stuck in this situation. Anger because all I seem to be doing is concentrating on my trachea issues and not on my weight problem, my relationship with myself or others in my life. Anger because I didn’t seem to value who I am and therefore, I let others devalue me. Anger because I felt I have become cold hearted, unemotional, bitter, and angry. Anger because I haven’t been taking good care of myself with the choices I have made. As you can see I felt a lot that I had blocked for a long time. I am sure more will be coming up as I dig deeper.
I have been thinking a lot about value. For me, since I have become sick and dealing with all of these health issues I have felt less valuable than those who are healthier, stronger, skinnier, able to breathe, and who don’t have to do these horrendous surgeries in order to breathe well. I already didn’t feel valuable or acceptable since I was a kid. I looked up the word in my dictionary. Value means: a quality of desirability, usefulness, favorable, importance, approval, being accepted. I read the above paragraph and I realized my anger is stemming from the fact that I have not learned to value me. I haven’t accepted or approved or saw the importance of me in the equation. God values me. I am his child. I see now that I chose people to be around me who didn’t see my value. They only saw a lady who they could abuse and victimize in order to achieve their goals. I let them. I opened up myself to them. I am in the process of forgiving myself and forgiving them.
I don’t have the answer, so I can’t give that to you. I’m still on this journey of valuing myself, seeing myself the way God sees me and forgiving myself and others who I have allowed to devalue me. I’m learning to breathe again. I’m learning to be comfortable being angry. I’m learning to include myself when I tell others that I value them. I’m learning that I do have a choice and my choice is to Be Still and know that God is God. I am choosing to have people in my life who know my value and that I know their value. It’s mutual.
This is what God is telling me that I need to do:
- Keep journaling, write. That includes my blog. My blog is my ministry.
- Pray, continue to talk to him. Continue to build up my relationship that I have with Jesus.
- Keep diving into his word daily. That edifies me. It helps me be still and know that he is God.
- Learn what it means to be who I am. This morning I’m enjoying a hot cup of tea. I haven’t done that in a long time. I got a make-up kit from Ruby Locks Make up. Thank you Jackie. It came with a ten piece make-up brush set and a palette of eyeshadows and blush and bronzer that I want to play with. I will write a post about it. Check out Ruby Locks on YouTube. Jackie is awesome. Learn what I need in my self-care regime.
- Keep tracking my food and follow through with my support system with Summer and Karen on our wellness journey. Include others on this wellness journey. Share it on my blog, share it on my Facebook, and Twitter. Learn what I need in my self-care regime that is not medical or weight loss oriented.
I’m going to leave you with a scripture for you to focus and think about today. Psalm 46:10 Amplified Bible “Let be and be still, and know, recognize and understand that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations! I will be exalted in the earth!
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