Finding My Peace

Philippians 4:11-13 (amplified)

“Not that I am implying that I was in any personal want, for I have learned how to be content, satisfied to the point where I am not disturbed or disquieted in whatever state I am. I know how to be abased and live humbly in straitened circumstances, and I know also how to enjoy plenty and live in abundance. I have learned in any and all circumstances the secret of facing every situation, whether well-fed or going hungry, having a sufficiency and enough to spare or going without and being in want. I have strength for all things in Christ who empowers me, I am ready for anything and equal to anything through him who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency. “

Oh how I wish I could say what Paul says. I can’t. I have been fighting writing this post, so of course that means that I have to write it. Especially, when you are having some time with Jesus and this scripture jumps out at you. Yes, Jesus, I hear you. I am strong because you have made me that way. So in turn I can accept where I am in my life and still come out victorious because you are in my journey with me.

Lately, I have been deeply uncomfortable where my life is at. Being on the journey of a chronically ill and disabled woman has not been fun. Yes, I learned how important having a thankful attitude and finding the simple blessings and joys in life makes it bearable. But there are still those moments when it becomes difficult. I haven’t accepted my fate. I haven’t accepted that my illness is a mystery and that breathing will always be a challenge. That is what 2016 is going to teach me, I am open to learning what it looks like, feels like, and taste like to accept myself for who I am. And that it is still possible to fight and accept your condition at the same time.

This last weekend I fully saw myself and my disabilities while hanging out with a group of people that I have not seen and who knew me in my younger days and prior to my illness. While walking around at Fred Meyer’s shopping, I couldn’t keep up. I was out of breath and had to rest several times. Not a fun thing at all. The people I was with, accepted me and loved me through it. I realize that I could not get on the floor and play with the little kids that were joyously running around while their parents and other adults were watching them with amusement. I kept thinking I am too young to feel this old. So of course, while feeling so completely inadequate and like a big giant failure God had to gently remind me some things. One, that I am still valuable. My life doesn’t have to look like everyone elses.

First, I had some conversations with some strong women who are fighting a chronic condition. They both were talking about accepting their bodies and disabilities right then and now. Accepting where they are at. Not condemning it. Not fighting it. Not hating themselves for it. Just accepting and appreciating the process. Then second, a pod cast that I listen to From Lauren Gaskill. This time it was Karen Koontz who was talking about her illness of Fibromyalgia. This statement from the pod cast hit me square in the eyes and my soul. “The highs and lows of life that affects chronic illness the most. If I want to eliminate the lows, I have to actively limit the highs. Being highly strategic on how I plan my life. Negative self-talk is a killer of our health. Being kind to ourselves, finding joy in our limitations, a small life can be a powerful life. God has allowed chronic illness into my life.” Said by Karen Koontz.

You know, being open about what my limits and finding the joy in them is one of the challenges I face. I often times see women who are my age, or younger, who I see doing some powerful things that I wish I could do. But the truth, I can be powerful in my wheel chair, I can be powerful with my stenosis of my trachea. I can use my voice. I wheel around. I can still do the things that I enjoy doing. I don’t have to let my illness cause me bitterness, resentment, hatred, or even dull the sparkle of my life.

And that no matter what state my body is in Jesus is with me all the way. All things are possible. I am opening myself up to all the possibilities Jesus will be showing me this year.

I’m going to share some tips that I will be incorporating into my life:

• Give everything that I am, including my illness to God. Let him handle it. Let him lead me to where I need to go.
• Let go of my fears, let go of my worries, let go of the comparisons that hinder my own progress. Just let go and let God.
• Open up and let the blessings and the possibilities flood my life. God says all things are possible through him. If I am out of the way, and I open up and allow the possibilities happen. I can find the joy in my life.
• Move my body. Today I am going to my ENT appointment after my throat surgery and I hope he gives me the okay to start moving my body. At my own pace and progress. NO comparisons allowed.
• Find the passion in my life. I am reading Fervent by Priscilla Shirer. In the first chapter she talks about how Satan steals our passions. This is a strategic move he uses to bind us up so that we are not as powerful as we can be. I’m taking my passions back and putting the full armor on. What about you?