Please forgive as I write this latest blog post with my amnesia brain, Prednisone brain, and pain medicine brain all three have thrown me into a spiral that I haven’t quite wrapped my mind around just yet. This morning, after I got myself a glass with ice and juice and set it down in front of me and continued on with what I was doing. I realized after a few moments I had something to drink and thanked my caregiver for bringing me something. She said she didn’t. I did it myself. That simple act didn’t register in my mind and I forgot. I laughed, she laughed. It was all good. This is the first time I have had brain fog with anything, so I am unsure about how long this will last or even what will happen next. I’m learning to take things as they come and slowly get back into some sort of life.
This week I have done a lot of journaling about what just happened. All three of my focus words came into play in this one action, possible, worship, and open. Let me tell you how. At the beginning of the year, there were a lot of delays with my doctor. Something seemed to always get in the way or caused some kind of interruption of what my ultimate goal was. My plans weren’t working out. Of course, not. How many times do our plans actually work out the way that I envision them to? Zero! I had to dive into my first focus word, being open to what God had planned for me, being open to what exactly will be done, being open to doing new treatments and new medical procedures that they don’t teach in medical school. Yes, me, I had to be a trend setter along with my doctor. Talk about being fearful, I was. In fact, I didn’t hear I was having surgery until two days before I was going in to the operating room. I was like, okay. I’m going to have to jump and be open and not allow my anxiousness stop me from proceeding. What I found out on operation day, was God had another woman who was going through the same exact thing as I and needed it just as badly. My doctor had to perform both of our surgeries on the same day. I was the first, since he had never done it before. Miraculously and with God’s guidance it worked. Not the way we planned, but it worked. During the procedure the one scope he thought would work, didn’t and the one he thought wouldn’t work, did. That and the tracheal stenosis was far worse than he expected or was shown on the CT scan. The hole I was breathing out of was smaller than the average straw. And it was all scar tissue, not one skin, not one piece of my actual trachea. The scar tissue is so thick and dense that in the 4 hours I was under he could only do one half of the round piece of my trachea. He put 4 slits into one side and put the Mitomyacin-C into it. He knew that if he cut out all the scar tissue that it would just end up growing back and not solve the issue for me. In fact, it would have made even more scar tissue, not something that I needed. He has been fighting this battle with me since 2010 and he wants me well as much as I do. Let me just say, this has humbled me to the core. My eyes are open now to the possibility of my journey. The possibility of what God has planned for me and doing for me behind the scenes when I do not know what he has in store. I am in awe and feel at peace with how things are going in my life. I have never felt this good emotionally in a long, long time and it feels so good.
When I got home, a great novel by Jennifer Wilder Morgan was waiting for me to enjoy. I had been offered to read this book for exchange for my review a couple of months ago and I just got my copy. It came at the perfect time. I’m not going to spoil what I think right now, because I will be writing a review when I am done reading. All I can say, is possible and a lot of things make so much sense. I am worshiping, I’m appreciating, and I am taking things one step and one precious moment at a time while I am healing. Yes, my breathing is not fixed, but I have a doctor that God designed for me to aide me in that quest.
What is possible for me now?
- I see the value in my own voice, the value in my own spiritual gifts that God has given me. I don’t feel ashamed about them anymore. I will be diving deeper into finding out what exactly are my spiritual gifts and what my assignment is with them.
- I am appreciating the simple things about breathing. For example, walking from the couch to the bathroom and walking back without having to take a sitting break. That to me is a miracle. I have not been able to do this in a long time. My heart doesn’t race like I have been running the Boston Marathon anymore just walking to the bathroom. I love it. I’m thankful.
- I know writing is what I am supposed to do. I know I am to write a book, but it isn’t to be a memoir. I am to continue to write my articles and just breathe and write.
- It is time for me to dive deeper and put a few of the things into practice with movement and eating well that I have been either slacking on or not doing because my breathing was hindering it. I realize that I will have to take things slower than the average. I am okay with that. It’s my journey. It is my walk and I have to get there on my own with the tools I have. I’m praying about it, hoping to have inspiration in a trainer who is not afraid of thinking outside of the box to work with me. I’m confident God will find me someone, heck he found me and presented me 3 doctors who thought outside the box with my tracheal stenosis.
- I’m going to live, I’m alive. And I am not making the nasty noises while breathing that I usually make. It’s amazing. My cat had to get used to me again. It feels so good to be able to breathe and not be asked if I am okay. I still have to use my wheel chair for long distances for now, but I feel like I can now use it to get where I am going and then get up and move my body to keep my muscles from atrophying.
Have you thought about what is possible for you and on your own healing journey to wellness? I would like to suggest that read the novel “Come to the Garden” by Jennifer Wilder Morgan and listen to the song “In the Garden” It is inspiring to me and I know it will be for you too.
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