When I chose my focus words I didn’t realize how quickly a couple of them would start coming into play in my life. I chose the word Surrender because at the time I was reading Rick Warren’s book “Purpose Drive Life” which I hope to post my book review tomorrow when I get home out of the hospital. Yes, you heard me right I am currently in the hospital again. One month ago Sunday I had my emergency back surgery. Now I am back because I contracted Bronchitis. Such a scar experience.
Surrendering is hard for me, especially towards men. With men, something I have to admit to myself. I am afraid of them. With my illness I have to deal with a lot of medical staff. I’ve had male nurses, male doctors, firemen, ambulance worker, RT nurses (RT stands for respitetory). All in all these last 6 years I have dealt with a lot of men. I have not had a bad batch yet.
In my past, I have had a lot of narcissistic men in my life. That has not set well in my body. When growing up my mom and older sisters have chosen narcissistic men too. I want to break that cycle. Jesus is a man, was a man, not a narcissistic man. I still have a challenge surrendering and trusting.
In my next statement I am going to be graphic, but I feel I need to be open about what happened. Especially why I had a huge crying session privately in the ER room while struggling to breathe. I was embarrassed. I pooped myself at home and did it again in the ER. It is embarrassing when the poop rolls out of you and you have no control. I have since learned that poop rolls out of you when your body reaches a certain saturation rate. Apparently mine is 77 percent. The lowest I have been since being awake and fully aware. My chest was seriously congested. I couldn’t catch my breath deep enough to make a difference. I was scared that death was coming.
I’m struggling with writing this up, because there were a lot of embarrassing components to my story. As I sat up in the ER waiting to be seen by a doctor or even an RN. I felt panicked. I felt so deeply alone in that room struggling to breathe. I knew that was not a way or state of mind I needed to be in. I started talking to God and had an ugly cry moment on top of sore and red eyes. It was a hot mess. I realize in order for me to build deeper and healthier relationships with the men in my life. That I needed to surrender to them my fear of them. I needed to not hold them responsible for the mistakes of other males have done to break my heart. When my brother came to sat with me for a bit. I had to tell him my story. I still had a hard time opening up to him my emotional wounds before he got there.
What have I learned about Surrendering? It is hard. It is so scary. It hits in surprising moments when surrender needs to just happen and trust that God has got my back. That despite the big huge mess that my apartment is in. I do have the support and back up I need. And sometimes a big wrecking ball of a mess needs to happen so I can open up and let all those pint up emotions came out. All of my pain, frustrations, and fears came out in that messy cry. I also need to be honest to myself and to others about my fears and my needs. And not to be all independent all the time. I’m still processing all that is happening.
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