Starting Where I Am At

I have been on a roller coaster ride this last year. From the extreme highs with the numerous hopeful news of getting rid of my trach. To the extreme lows of having to keep my trach because of some new challenge. I feel like I have been throat punched far too many times. I feel like I am on this perpetual yo-yo of whether I will or won’t be trach free. It’s so frustrating.

I know, I know, I haven’t heard anything from the doctor about if he can perform the surgeries or not. I still feel like I have gotten my hopes up only to have them fail. I want to be hopeful. I want to get excited. I just can’t. I’ve been thrown through the wall of disappointment far too many times.

It is time to look at things differently. My life with a trach. What would that look like?

In December I will be embarking on year 4 of living with a trach. I am sure many of the things I do now will stay the same. One, trach care. Cleaning out my trach, changing it, wearing a humidifier while I am sleeping or when the air gets extra dry. I know this is part of my self-care regiment.  I hate doing it, but I know now that I can take care of it myself. I also know that I will and do have the supplies that I need. I found finally a great supply company that delivers my supplies to me and is prompt and respectful on the phone. I will be seeing the same doctors. I have the same supportive friends, neighbors, and family members in my life. And have the same amazing caregiver that I have now. I just now have to start working on my bucket list.

What will change? My thought process. I will now be a proud, competent, confident, loyal, kind, and respectful woman who lives with a trach. I will now rethink my exercise process. I now know that I won’t be able to do the exercises in the same way that most people do.  I am going to start where I am at right now. I cannot compare myself to how others are. We are not on the same journey, so why should I compare myself to their fitness or health level? I will have to chart my oxygen levels and heart rate after each movement. But the fact is I can still move my body. I can still climb mountains. I just have to start doing the work. And stop thinking about being trachless. Putting all my hope into one goal and start working on my other goals.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I’m giving up on becoming trach free. What I am saying is I’m giving up the thought that my life is over because I live with a trach. I will be following every medical advice I am getting from my medical team.  I just see the need to start focusing head on my other goals. For a lot of years my one goal has been breathing. I am still breathing. Thank God. It was touch and go for a long time.  But with my trach I am not able to breathe better and for me that is a miracle.