I started reading Proverbs this week. I have found two passages so far that have spoken to my heart. I wanted to share the scriptures and what I think it says to my own soul. Perhaps it will speak to you.

Proverbs 1:2-5 “That people may know skillful and godly wisdom and instruction, discern and comprehend the words of understanding and insight. Receive instruction in wise dealing and discipline of wise thoughtfulness, righteousness, justice, and integrity. That prudence may be given to the simple, and knowledge, discernment, and discernment to the youth. The wise also will hear and increase in learning, and the person of understanding will acquire skill and attain to sound counsel so that he may be able to steer his course rightly.”

Prudence means having good management skills.  I struggle with good management. I have found that I don’t have structure to my day. Not until recently did I start being on a schedule. It isn’t jam packed with things, but I know that I needed a schedule. Medications need to be taken on a schedule. So I have made a decision to follow a somewhat informal schedule. This last month I have worked on keeping a bedtime and a wake up time so that I can get my medications taken in a timely manner. I have discovered that I am a morning person. I actually knew that about myself. I just discovered it again.

I also know that if I do not read the bible daily or every other day then I am not myself at all. Reading calms my brain and it helps me to focus on what I am needing for my day. When I focus on Jesus I feel right.

I have been thinking about what I would like my life to look like. I want to be a person of integrity, wisdom, and knowledge. But I also want it to be balanced so I am not narcissistic about it.

Proverbs 3:2-6 For length of days and years of a life worth living and tranquility inward and outward and continuing through old age till death, these shall they add to you. Let not mercy and kindness shutting out all hatred and selfishness and truth shutting out all deliberate hypocrisy or falsehood forsake you; bind them about your neck, write them upon the tablet of your heart. So shall you find favor, good understanding and high esteem in the sight or judgment of God and man. Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight and understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.

I have a major trust issues. It stems from my past. I especially have trust issues with men. While I am deprograming myself from my past thoughts about men. Sometimes I have found that the voice in my head takes over and tells me that they are all douchebags. Trusting God is still a struggle for me, but that is because I am the type of person that needs to know how everything will turn out and what will happen. I am a control freak that way. Jesus doesn’t work in the exact same way that I want him to. It sucks. I feel anger towards him and my circumstances. Though in my heart I know that I am valued and that he has my back. It just doesn’t seem that way. One of the major issues between Jesus and I is the trach. For the last year I have felt teased and betrayed by Jesus and the doctors about when I would get my trach out. It’s been a huge mess. I know that my doctors want me to be well just as much as I want to be. I am reminded by these scriptures that I still need to rely, trust, and lean on him especially as I am battling my own mind against the anger and feelings of betrayal about my trach. I am still praying. I am still working on trusting Jesus in my journey. I struggle. While reading Psalms I felt comforted because David did not always know or understand why he went through the betrayals and challenges he went through. God was there for him. I know he will be there for me too.