Tonight, as I type this I am sitting enjoying a hot cup of peppermint and spearmint tea while Nicholas is lying beside me. This is comforting to me.

I have not written personally for a while, because somehow I knew a big decision will have to be made soon. I didn’t know what it was until Tuesday.

Tuesday I saw my Otolaryngologist whom I have spoken of recently about what my next options consist of. He gave me three choices.

Choice 1: Continue with the tracheostomy tube as it is.

Choice 2: laser tracheal scar incision and application of Mitomycin-C  to prevent the scar tissue to come back or have more scaring. I will need multiple surgeries, possible 2 to 6 more surgeries.

Choice 3: placement of T-tube and attempting of trach tube weaning by gradual downsizing and capping until prolonged capping can be tolerated at which time the tube can be removed.

I have chosen option 2. My reasons why are simple and make sense to me. If I choose to give up that to me would signal that I was giving up on my life. I’m sorry, but I am not ready to do that. My tracheostomy has helped me in a lot of ways, but having it for the rest of my life is not something that I want. Choice 3, to my mind even if I did this choice I would still have the scar tissue that is causing the issue.  The scar tissue is one of the reason my trachea is small and that I still have breathing and endurance issues. Plus when I had the t-tube before the scar tissue made capping not possible, which was frustrating. Why not go to the root of the issue?

Yes, this means more surgery will be in my future. It also means that I will have to start preparing for the recovery time. That means thinking about what it is I will need. At this time I am not sure what all I will need. I will be talking with my family to discuss these options and to get their thoughts and concerns and ideas about what it is I will need.

I am scared. I don’t like the 3 choices that I was presented with. Yes, I have thought about just throwing in the towel and say screw this. I asked the Doctor today what he would do if he was in my position. He answered thoughtfully and honestly. He has in the past and currently been fighting his sinus’. I have known this since the moment we have met. He said, I think like a surgeon. And for me I am doing what is necessary for my sinuses, but there are some things that I have had to just give up on and just live with. Even if you make choice 2 we can stop at any time and you can choose to live with a tracheostomy. The choice is up to you and what you are willing to do.

With nerves that could fly me to the moon I am making the decision to have the surgeries. I will ask that you pray for me, pray for my family, and pray for my doctor’s.