I am finally feeling like myself again. This week has been a big lesson in my life of appreciating what I have. When I learned upon waking up from surgery that I had to have my trach again to say I was disappointed is an understatement. I feel not only disappointment, rejection, teased, pissed off, disoriented, and imagine a whiny voice of why me. A week later, I feel differently. Like I wrote a few days ago whenever I took my trach out I went into stridor even at home. Thankfully, I am no longer in stridor when I take my trach out to clean. I can breathe normal. I am so thankful. I believe now that when Dr. Anderson laser out my granulation from my stoma I had inflammation from the process. Inflammation is normal. It helps the body heal. It isn’t all bad. When you are hurt, like stubbing your toe it turns red and hurts for a reason. All the healing cells are making their way to your body to heal your injury. But when it is not controlled or for a good reason that is when it becomes an auto-immune disease. My throat is healing, not fully, but it is getting there. I have brief moments of it hurting. I am just glad that the stridor part was not permanent. I am still hopeful about my trach. Dr. Anderson was hopeful about my trach too, but for some reason I couldn’t inject his hopeful spirit into mine. Now that I have seen progress in my throat this week I have changed that mindset. I see my ENT up north in Seattle on Monday morning. I’m a bit nervous, but I am hopeful. It will be good to get it checked out.
This all new experience with C-diff and my smaller than normal trachea has me contemplating many things. For starter, I should not compare myself to others when it comes to exercise or physical activity. I have half the size of trachea than the average person that means my heart rate and my breathing heavy will come a lot easier. That means I have to take that into consideration when I move my body. I can’t be upset when I am not measuring up to what others in my life are doing. I do this regularly. I have always. I have always had breathing issues with my heart rate and endurance levels being easier achieved than my family and friends. I just never knew why until now. Believe me I am not using this as a get out of exercise card at all. All I am saying is I am choosing to not compare myself to anyone else when it comes to moving my body. As long as I do the interval exercises that I was giving by my physical therapist and slowly build up from there I will be okay. I will become a lean, calm, moving my body to my own tune machine that I have always wanted to be. I realize when I go shopping for a fitness trainer coach then I am going to have to disclose my throat issue and have them work with me on this. I know I can find someone. Praying about leading me to the right person is happening now.
I have also realized that with my bout, which I still have of C-diff where everything comes out of everywhere that I will have to make some different choices. I have lived on pedia light and apple juice this week. Yesterday I started consuming real food. It went well. No issues thank you Jesus. I am still taking this as a step towards eating more nurturing dense foods.
A lot of other different changes are happening in my life too. My aunt is not beating cancer, but she can manage it. Like I can manage my disease, like me, she is preparing for her life and getting rid of the toxic people in her life. My aunt is a care-taker, like I am prone to be. My aunt has been the fighting champ for all four of her children, husband, brothers, sisters, nieces, and nephews and cousins. I want and hope that she can live in peace and quiet and be relaxed in her final stage of life.
My neighbor and my friend is moving to Canada. This weekend my friend is packing her apartment up and leaving for her new adventure in her life. I will miss her so much, but I also know that she will live a happy, God loving life like she wants. I will miss her visits and our talks, but I know that Facebook, phone calls, texts, emails, and letters will be our new form of communicating with each other. I am thankful for her. I do know I still have friends here in my apartment building. One of them cleaned my bathroom for me when I was too sick to do so.
Have a wonderful day! Keep breathing! Chao
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