My 40th Year!

While looking through pictures trying to find a great picture to represent how I felt for my 40^th birthday. I came across one that threw me for a loop.

This picture was taken on December 8, 2011 as I lay in the ICU after going through surgery. This surgery ended up with me having a trach and a broken thorax. It was the second time that I had a surgery that went sour when it was only supposed to be an in and out thing and me going home that day. That is not what happened.

I honestly do not remember taking this picture and posting it on Facebook. I don’t remember anything until the next morning when I become conscious of the fact that I had a trach and I couldn’t speak. I remember my mom sitting with me with my sister in law Kris. I remember feeling like I got ran over by a Sherman tank. I remember hurting. I also remembering being so frustrated that I couldn’t talk. I also remember coming up for the first time and breaking down crying in from of my sister and sister in law wondering what happened, what am I supposed to do now, and why didn’t God take me then?

Why am I writing about this now? Why am I remembering now? At that time I didn’t believe that I was going to make it forty. But here I am, 40 years old. Yes, I still have my trach, but I am stronger than I was back then. A lot has happened these last 3 years. I have had a ton more surgeries too numerous for me to name. I have learned to live with a trach and all the complications that come with it. I have built healthier relationships with my family and friends who have stuck by me throughout this whole ordeal. And I have even made some new friends. In the aftermath I realize I also learned what I valued and how valuable I am. I didn’t know before.

This verse hit me:

Ecclesiastes 11:4

He who observes the wind and waits for all conditions to be favorable will not sow; and he who regards the clouds will not reap.

This verse means to me not waiting for the things I want or need in my life, but to actually take action. What does it mean to you? The last two days have been a fun celebration. I went to Voodoo Doughnut in Portland Oregon with two of my dear friends. I asked God for 4 things for my 40^th year. I want to have more adventures. I want to build healthy relationships with those I love and with new people. I want to feel love. I also want to finish my book and have it published. I have an editor now. I hope this post finds you enjoying your moments.