Truth sometimes knocks me in the head in the most inconvenient of ways. I am walking minding my own business when whack, I am hit in the head with some new truth, some new knowledge of how things truly are.
A couple of weeks ago, one of my sisters hit me with a huge bombshell. I knew when she told me it was not the truth and that she was only using it as a way to manipulate me back into the same old negative patterns we both have experienced. Sisters share a lot of things, triumphs, friends, enemies, food, clothes, and many other things, but my sister and I go way beyond the normal share. We share addictions her to alcohol, me food. We share negative patterns of abuses towards each other and others in our life. We share mistrust and abusive history with our mom. Since I started getting sick I started working towards self-discovery, healing, God’s healing, and valuing my own voice, my own truth, and most importantly the relationships that I am in. I talked about a few of these things yesterday in my post about “Lessons I learned From a Tomato Plant”. I realized I am a binge eater. These two weeks after the revelation that was sprung at me truly triggered the binge eater in me. I have been eating up a storm, shoveling food in, self-medicating the hurt, sense of betrayal, and anger that I am feeling towards my sister. I hate feeling this way, I hate being angry at people that I love. What do I do to solve the issues? I stuff my face.
Setting boundaries with family members or people you are close with is a difficult challenge. A delicate web of trying to be healthy without screaming and kicking at them like a toddler does when they are not getting their way. Where is the balance? The only thing I know for sure is with my illness negative patterns and energy has dire effects on my health. I know this to be fact, because I have experienced the peace, the calm, the healing as I have been cleaning out my environment in my home, relationships, and my body. This is just one more area that I need to clean out, lay new soil in my garden so I can start producing fruit.
I am done writing my letter, now I am anxious about sending it to my sister. For one thing, she could have a huge conniption fit, and start an even more destructive path than what she is already on. The side that is winning is the one in which I am to speak my truth, use my voice, and not think about what her reaction will be. The truth hurts, believe me I know. And my own truth knows that I have made some huge mistakes. I have made some horrendous decisions in my life, but I also know that I have made some great decisions and that even though I have suffered; I have also been hugely blessed. I also have to not fear using my voice. I have to speak my truth. I have to follow my path. Even if that path is not the same one that one of my sisters is on. Letting go is a huge challenge. Realizing that I am not going to have the fantasy of a big sister that I can do amazing things with or having a relationship with my nephew that is healthy and peaceful is something I know I have to completely release to God, let go, just let it be. It is hard. Because I do love my sister and my nephew, both have made their choices, both are grown-ups, and both have been abused. This is the next leg of my journey, working on my body clutter in order to find my healing, and part of that is facing my past head on and releasing things and forgiving myself and others in order to heal and be truthful with my own soul. A huge task, a huge challenge, but you know what, I have God, great tools, an amazing team that will support me, so I am not worried. I am sad that the dream of having a perfect, loving family with my birth family cannot be achieved. Accepting this, the damage, the distance, the regrets, the pain, the abuse, and most importantly the hatred that is between us is something that is hard for me to swallow. Here is to another leg of my journey to conquer…
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