Sick and Tired

I have been watching “The Golden Girls” lately. They make me giggle and enjoy life with Blanche’s antics, Dorothy’s comments, Sophia’s wisdom, and Rose’s St. Olaf stories. One particular show or actually shows because it was two episodes, “Sick and Tired”. I watched this with keen interest, because like Dorothy, though I don’t have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I have an auto-immune disorder and I too feel exhausted and not the normal exhaustion and I do have days when I am not able to function or think straight and I had doctor’s before I acquired my fabulous team tell me it was because I was obese or that I was depressed. I was depressed because I wasn’t able to breathe. I was depressed because I couldn’t walk far enough without feeling pooped and having to catch my breathe. It wore me out. I felt like I wanted to say screw this. My primary doctor whom shall remain nameless because I don’t see him anymore finally did send me to get a lung pulmonary test. Guess what, I couldn’t even breathe enough to register on the machine. So they sent me in to get a cat-scan done and while I was waiting in the room and because my primary doctor went home because this was at 7 or 8 at night the on call doctor didn’t even bother to come in to see me, he called and told me there is nothing on the cat scan so since you have been dealing with it you can just go home. Um, I was so pooped and started crying I know strange that my sister whom was with me and I went to the ER where in seconds they had me back and was ready to rock it because they heard my difficulty in breathing. I decided that I needed to find a new primary doctor and a team of doctors to help me with my breathing. Four years have gone by since that incident and it still causes me to want to cry, but I also remember how far I have actually come since that period of my life.

I am not feeling up to myself now, not even a resemblance of whom I am or where I want to be. I am working on accepting that this is the way my life is right now and no matter how much I fight it, it keeps on happening. I have to take breaks, I have to take loving care of myself and even break commitments because of the exhaustion. My exuberance for life is high, I want to be able to run around and do things, be a part of things, and just work, but I cannot do that anymore. It makes me so mad, I am heartbroken. Dreams don’t always come true, I have learned that. Another thing I have learned and keep reminding myself is that I am able to make different dreams. My dreams now include:

1)  Writing my “Finding Joy With Illness” book

2)  Get my butt up and moving with the exercises I have been saving on my lap top that I get from some helpful trainers. I am not ready to go to the gym. I feel so silly, especially when my belly hits parts it is not supposed to.

3)  Organize, clean, and have the environment I need and want that cultivates peace and tranquility.

4)  Lose150 pounds in ten pound increments. Yes, I have myfitnesspal and you can find me with issues name jjhbeautiful if you want to encourage each other. I have been putting my intake of water and food for 5 days now. I have not gone over my 1500 calorie intake. In fact, I have been eating a lot of cucumbers, romaine lettuce, tomatoes, watermelon, blueberries, and eggplant. The Grocery Outlet here in Vancouver Washington is having a produce sell. Love it.

5)  Find that perfect balance of rest and getting things done.