Hope

“Hope is about the possible; despair is about the impossible.”

Thomas Aquinas

Hope that is what I desire to write about. Simply put, I am hopeful. For a long time I have felt crummy and did not feel up to doing anything and I forced myself to do the things I did do. Such as being the secretary for Living Ministries, waking up, and the mundane of life. Now, as I am not having to spend a lot of my time healing from surgery every month I am gaining strength.

I proved that Monday when I walked the entire Grocery Outlet store. I usually ride around the cart, but I didn’t this time. I walked. I felt good. I also so a grocery clerk whom I met when I first moved to Vancouver; she hadn’t seen me in three years. Yes, I quit going to the Grocery Outlet 3 years ago when I started getting sick and being dependent on others to take me to the grocery store. I chose only one store, Winco’s. Now that I walked the outlet store I can include this stopping place as one of my places to shop at. It is near Winco and it is near my home. I don’t have to inconvenience anyone to take me. I can use my mileage that I am allotted with my caregiver to take me. I found some great buys there that I totally spaced out on before. Like Olive oil and canned tomatoes. Can you believe I paid $5.99 for a huge bottle of Olive oil and only .50 a can for tomatoes? That is cheaper than it is at Winco’s and that makes me happy. Also their price for humus is cheaper too, $2.99. I love getting good deals that make my food budget go further.

Not only did I get great deals, but I also accomplished something that I haven’t been able to do for a long, long time. Walking an entire store without sounding like a moose in heat and that simple accomplishment made this woman joyful. I experienced hope for myself in that I will be able to be a functioning normal adult woman. Yes, I still have the metal pole in my throat, and at times I do sound like dark Vader. Sometimes I have this overwhelming urge to say to people “I am not your father”. LOL Sounding like Dark Vader is far different than sounding like an obnoxious moose. All small improvements towards my goals make me happy.

I have been doing some research on getting myself back to going to school so I can get my degree in therapy. I had to take a break because having a surgery every month to two months left me feeling exhausted and overwhelm. I am lucky that I got my loans deferred so I am able to go back to school and then I can use this degree to help others, even if I will be in my 40’s when I accomplish it. In the meantime, I will be pushing myself to get in better health physically and mentally and then I will be able to move mountains.

So hope is still running rampant in my soul. Hope springs up many possibilities that I will be able to conquer all the challenges I am faced with. I have a hard time believing I am still here breathing and kicking. Especially when I am aware of all the surgeries, near death experiences, and obstacles I had to face and figure out a way to go around since then. I am so grateful to still be here, breathing and able to make plans.