Last Tuesday I had my evaluation for pulmonary rehabilitation. It was a challenge, especially the six minute walk. I came home with some booklets and pamphlets of what I will be doing in the next eight weeks. One section of the booklet talked about exercise and what I will be expected and what I will be learning to do. On top of learning to move and breathe I will be learning about nutrition also.
A few nights later, while walking to the WiFi room I stopped at the giveaway table of my apartment building. I found a pedometer to keep track of the steps I take each day. Guess what? It is purple too. I will need this, because one of the things I will be working towards is walking for aerobic exercise and endurance, along with flexible exercises (I want to try Yoga for this). I have been reading a lot about doing Yoga and how it helps the body and the mind.
Also this week I will no longer be having an RN coming out 3 times a week to help me with wound care. My wound is healing. It still is scabby and ugly, but heck I have seen worse and felt worse so this does not faze me at all. I am learning to love my body scars, scabs, mucus, and all. It is a part of who I am and I can’t hide who I am not even from myself.
I have been journaling a lot about rebuilding from the foundation up in my life. In 2008 when this whole mess started I was miserable. The way I was living my life lead me to negative and dysfunction, it didn’t help that I was hanging out with a few negative individuals in my life at the time. I had to start from the bare bones of constructing my life. The bare bones happened in July 2010 when I had my Larynx spasm during surgery and lost my mind and my ability to be in control of my body. My new foundation is being built by me and by God. He is hammering into my body with the people He brings into my life, the movies I watch, the books I read, and even the choices I make. I am not totally built yet, but I have a firm foundation. I never had one before. I have noticed that my attitude about life and how I view myself has changed significantly since I got my illness. Strange to thing that being ill will make me value myself more. One would think it would be the exact opposite. I have my moments of thinking what is the use? Why am I being attacked? Is this fight worth it? Everyone and I mean everyone goes through these emotional upheavals. We are not going to be spared from them. The book of Psalms is full of David singing joy, love, hate, revenge, war, pain, suffering, depression, but the only thing that stays constant is His love, gratitude for God. I never realized this until recently.
Despite the upheavals of my life I am choosing to focus on God, goals, and choosing joy. One way I have noticed that I am changing is in the people I am meeting. Meeting people who have disabilities, frustrations, sadness, and all those bad emotions that we try to smooth over has helped me to realize my own blessings and the appreciation for the life I am allowed to live.
A verse that I read recently that touched my heart and I will be using quite a lot in my journey. “Do you really believe me? The time will come and is already here when all of you will be scattered. Each of you will go back home and leave me by myself. But the Father will be with me, and I won’t be alone. I have told you this, so that you might have peace in your hearts because of me. While you are in the world, you will have to suffer. But cheer up! I have defeated the world.” John 16:31-33
I will leave you with that thought.
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