I joined WEGO Health a great web site that promotes health and well-being for those suffering from chronic illnesses. It is a great way for me to get my voice heard and I feel connected to many of the bloggers I have met and am currently reading who have joined this site. I am taking a leap. Yesterday’s post was the one they did the first day on November 1st. I am a late bloomer and I am writing this for day 4 and I hope to be able to share my voice with those whom I admire and get some awesome ideas from in this 30 day challenge to promote health and awareness.
Did you know that each one of us takes 17,280-23,040 breathes a day? No, I am not one of those nuts who started counting her breathes in an obsessive attempt to show how knowledgeable I am in trivia. I looked it up and I allowed someone else to count the breaths. The reason I am sharing this trivia with everyone is because it is amazing to me due to the fact that my breathing is compromised. Lately, I have had been doing some deep soul searching while going through chemo, other infusion treatments, sleepless nights (in fact, currently I have not slept for 24 hours), and I am exhausted, but my brain cannot stop thinking. My brain does not seem to have a turn off switch. I remember while my dad was going through his radiation and chemo treatments he had the same issue. Sleepless nights, roaming thoughts about deep retrospective things that have gone on in the past, the present, and the future for his family, especially what his future looked like. I had an opportunity to sit with him while he went through some treatments, I even rubbed his feet after radiation treatment and listened to him read a book he was engrossed in or one of his deep thoughts he was contemplating. I am finding myself just like my father.
I am contemplating what my future looks like. As of right now, it does not look that promising. It could all be an illusion to keep me stuck, but I am not going to allow that to happen. I read about people who have spouses and children who keep them moving and doing, even if it is exhausting. Their family keeps them strong and in the fight mode. What about those of us who have not been blessed with a family? What keeps us fighting on?
Let’s face it, when you are chronically ill, no matter what the disease is or the condition you are in it feels as though you are in a boxing ring in the fighter pose twenty four hours a day. I am single, I do not have a husband, I do not have children, but I do have an amazing family one amazing big brother and three amazing big sisters and 6 nieces and nephews, but they have their own family unit. They do support and love me, but I am perpetually alone. What are my reasons to keep fighting this beast that is attacking my body? Why have I not just lay down and died? I have actually had a few people ask me this question.
In 2009, when I made my choice that I am worth fighting for, I didn’t realize what making that decision constituted. I just knew I had to make that decision. It means twenty four hours a day job, no help with making my own attitude adjustments, no companion to say will you please rub my back or get me a glass of water. I have a fabulous furry friend Nicholas that is my companion, but he can’t do what a human companion cannot do. He is still valuable and he still does his job well. I am still alone, I have to make choices to get up to eat, drink, take my medications, brush my teeth, shower, all the normal things that you do in life. Yes, I do have a bonus of a care giver who comes in to aide me in housework and trach care, because there are still things that I am not able to do by myself and I do need that help. Choices do need to be made and making the choice to live is sometimes a difficult one, especially when one is single and ill. No, I am not suicidal. I want to make that perfectly clear. Since I have been more aware of my life and the choices I have been making, decisions are at the forefront of my mind. I have noticed some amazing things since I have started making choices. One when an abuse happens, I am quicker at assessing the situation and making the choice to speak up than I was before. I am more open about how I am feeling and verbal when I am able to, sometimes being verbal is a challenge due to the trach and throat surgeries. I still make my desires heard, even if I have to write it out. I have also become more appreciative of being able to speak up and use my voice. And the most important thing I treasure is REAL relationships that I have established and want to keep and having people in my life who respect and treasure me as I am.
The reason I fight on is because I know that God has saved my voice, literally saved it for a purpose. I am supposed to be using it. There is a reason I am stubborn, feisty, an encourager, think the way I do, and even gotten the illness that I have, even though I am at square one with trying to find out what the heck it is. I am still able to think, feel, verbalize, and even honestly say hey I can’t do that right now and here is why. Healthy relationship is something I value, work towards, and even make sure I am able to show respect as well as receive respect.
Do you think about your future? Do you allow negative thoughts stampede your mind in order for you to crawl under a bed and hide from life? Do you allow those feeling to hinder the relationships you have in your life? Are you able to verbalize when you have been stepped on by a care provider and tell them no I am not putting up with that, even if it is difficult? Or do you stand up in the ring and face the beast head on with your army gear on that God has provided you with?
I am so glad that I have discovered a community of non-whiny human beings who love God, who share their own hope, despair, pain, anger, but do it with grace and dignity. And offer many different sets of tools to aide me on my journey. I hope that I am able to offer them tools as well. Mothers, sisters, daughters, grandmas, aunts, singles, and married we are all here with a voice and I am thankful for each one of you in my life. Keep on sharing your story… I will keep on sharing mine.
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