What does recovery mean? Recovery means according to my “Webster’s Twentieth Century Unabridged Dictionary” circa 1983 “the act or power of regaining, retaking, conquering again. Getting well again, coming or bringing back to consciousness, revival of a person from weakness, regaining of balance of a former position or condition, return to soundness.”

Right now, at this very second I am having a hard time envisioning myself recovering. I cannot fathom what being healthy looks, smells, feels, or even breathes like. It has been a long time since I have felt completely able to function. Able to go a day without feeling extremely tired, having to take a ton of medications, having to suction, clean out the trach, spewing blood from my throat and yes, I could give Gene Simmons a run for his money with that trick. It is disgusting. It does not make for a pretty site. Perhaps, I need to join a rock band as the spewing blood from trach gal called the Exploding Veins. A thought, and yes, I am trying to be funny.
For these last three years of my life everything has revolved around going to the doctor, going to the hospital, taking horrid medications that make me feel like Alice in Alice in Wonderland, and sitting around doing nothing productive or of any value. I often times find myself feeling worthless because of this. Fortunately my feelings of worthlessness don’t overshadow the fight mechanism that God/Jesus has installed into my heart and soul.
While journaling the other day I wrote on my recovery and what it looks like. I have to remember how far I have actually faired since the first moment of my battle. I have to constantly be on top of medical appointments, my medications, symptoms of my body, and all those combustible feelings that rampage my mind. I learned recently that the mind is the worse battlefield.

I am further ahead than I was three years ago, but I feel like I have so much further to go. This woman is tired. This woman is worn to a frazzle. I need a long break. I am especially tired today. Busted veins, infusion treatments can do that to a woman, and on top of which I have had surgery every month since August. I need a long break. I am asking Jesus for a 6 month break before my next surgery and I know that He will take care of that for me.
Here is my list of what recovery includes for me. I happen to believe each person’s recovery is going to look different. Hasn’t Jesus given each one of us special gifts, insights, and abilities that are unique?

My recovery includes:

Taking long naps
Taking a numerous amounts of medications
Writing a lot
Reading a lot
Complaining a lot
Praying a lot
Drinking a ton of water
Suctioning a lot of blood, snot, granulations, inflammation scar tissues from my trach
Taking my trach out to clean it and putting it back in
Numerous doctor appointments
Blood tests
Constant checking of my blood sugar levels
IV chemo treatments every six months
Steroids
Sleeplessness and making sure I get healthy sleep
Constant thinking about what I am eating
Facing my fears head on no matter if I want to crawl under my bed or not or stuff my face with food
Rude people
Supportive people
Talking
Collaboration among smart women and men with different types of personalities who are fighting for me along beside me
Keep everyone on my team updated and involved
Working with tools to keep calm, keep fighting, keep breathing, and keep believing
Jesus
Researching, eating plans, foods, medications, tools to help me decompress, and on relationships.
Nicholas

What does recovery look like for you?