As I unhooked the trach collar so that I could slip it off, clean it, and reinsert it back in fear appeared out of nowhere. Last time I took my trach/t-tube out complications happened. What is in store for me now? I couldn’t just forget about it and hoped it went away. I have to be able to breathe; breathing is an important facet of life. I had to be able to take action. Doing something that I normally do not do, asking for help, I made some phone calls. I called my sister no answer. I called my brother’s house, his son answered; of course, no one could come by to aide me because they have a life and responsibility themselves. I was left alone to face my fear, to face my challenge. My nephew kindly said to call him or text him when I was done with the whole cleaning process. I have an awesome family. I have an awesome support system.
Fear can be crippling, it can hinder progress, and it can cause you to do huge U-turns. Fear also has its uses, but how you talk to yourself during those moments predicts if you will be an action person or a crawl under the rug person. I chose to be an action person. Breathing is something I do not take for granted. Even though taking my XLT Shiley trach out, by the way, it is long, and I can feel it clear in my chest, is a big FEAR factor. It is a necessity for me right now and I absolutely hate it. I cannot depend on someone else to take it out and put it back in for me. Nor should anyone else have that responsibility. It is mine. Standing alone, I have to be able to pick up my sword and cut through the webs of fear. God provides us with the sword of truth, the sword of relationship, the sword of breathe, and the sword of his strength in those moments. I have my sword. I pick it up quite often and sometimes it feels like a heavy cantankerous thing, but eventually my hand molds to the power that God gives me. I am able to face it, to do the actions required of me to stand and face whatever beast presents itself.
How often when something is uncomfortable, fearful, and just plan tiresome to do, do I cast it off onto someone else? Instead of picking it up, examining it, facing the beast of emotions, stress, and the guts of life I want to dump it onto someone else. I am learning on my journey that I am capable of taking responsibility for my health, my pain, my challenges, and though I want and love my supporters, there are some things I have to be able to use my sword by myself, standing alone and killing whatever beast is presenting itself at the moment.
When faced with a beast of a challenge how do you conquer your fear? What insight, sword does God give you to sleigh the beast?
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