How do I stay calm in the storm? What centers me when bricks are being thrown left and right smacking me in the face each time they go by? Chocolate! Just kidding! It would be awesome if chocolate could be the answer to everything, but it isn’t. Darn it!
Hmm, well since this whole being sick journey started I have learned to communicate my fears, progress, and not so great progress with my family and friends. I didn’t use to do that and it is a change that has happened gradually. When I get smack in the face with a brick, my team gives me a napkin to wipe the blood off my face and help me stand up to face it again. Even my brother, who is the most logical minded person I know, tries to understand and imagine what it is I am feeling. In fact, his text message that said to me “I can imagine this might feel like jumping out of an airplane possibly depending on someone else to pull the rip cord then hoping the chute will work correctly.” I didn’t expect that and those are some of the things that calm me. Unexpected gestures from people who are trying to imagine, trying to understand. I expect it from my sisters, but not from my brother or the male gender. My perspective on relationships has changed in the last few years. I am still learning what it means to be in a healthy relationship with family and friends and communicating what I need.
Here is the update: I got the infusion treatment set up here at Legacy Salmon Creek in Vancouver. This will make it a lot easier for my family to sit with me during the chemo infusions. Traveling three hours to Seattle, sit in the infusion clinic for six hours, and then another three hour trip home is not what this woman needs or her team. The infusions take 6 hours. The first two hours are the roughest for me, the burning sensation, hot flashes, muscle cramp in jaw and breathing discomfort is something I cannot describe, but I know that I need someone there to talk me through it. Carri was there on October 30th and Kris will be here on November 13th. I am thankful for that. Carri my sister will be having her oral surgery on the same day, say extra prayers for her. She needs them too. Monday, I am seeing a new ENT here in Vancouver to help me facilitate supplies and things I need to get that has become an issue since my ENT in Seattle is a challenge. It is a huge medical fiasco and I wish people could just work together, but hey, what do I know? My primary doctor recommends him and she got me started on this medical journey and has been a great facilitator and idea lady I trust her judgment. I also set up an appointment for an evaluation for therapy again so that I can talk through this next leg of my journey. I am being an active participant in my healing.
Sleeping, well, I am a bit anxious about it. Jodi prescribed Trazodone to aide me, but due to my breathing issues we are all a bit uneasy about it, but sleep is something this woman needs in order to heal. She and I worked out a plan that I have incorporated my brother and others into to keep me safe. I am to use the sleeping pill when I am not able to sleep on my own. I am to set an alarm and if I don’t text them by a certain time then they are to call me or call 911 and come over. They do have a key and it is a bit scary for me and I am processing through the discomfort of facing another beast with my sword.
My sword: I am writing in my journal a lot. I am blogging about it. I am expressing and using my voice to let my team know what it is I am feeling, why I am feeling that way, what I am doing about it, and not just being a passive bystander paralyzed by the light. I am taking action and using the aide of my team without shame, without guilt to help me stand up and face this monster of a challenge.
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