“Sometimes you hear a voice through the door calling you… This turning toward what you deeply love saves you.” Rumi4

Open doors, what are they? Open doors could be people, places, things, and food, anything that holds importance to us. Sometimes the doors have to be shut and locked up tight and the only way that can be accomplished is with Jesus’ help. I have doors that are locked, but sometimes things creep in, such as thoughts, comments from others, memories, or even a photograph popping up out of nowhere and I am reminded of the person that I once was. I have to pray. I have to ask God to heal my heart. I have to ask God to help me move on down the road. Our minds are like a computer; we can bring up memories out of the blue by simply smelling, tasting, feeling, and touching. Our senses can guide us into territories we do not want to cross. Read any of Dr. Daniel Amen’s book and you will learn how impressive our brains are. I recommend “The Hardware To The Soul”. Renewing the mind is something Paul talks about and is something that is not a onetime thing; it is an ever changing thing. Because I know I have stronghold that bind me to the person I once was. My strongholds are being scared of MEN! Another one concerns my Vasculitis and my new modification. My negative thoughts are how in the world am I supposed to accomplish anything in my condition. What is my purpose? God why did you save me three times from nearly dying? God I feel pathetic, lazy, ugly, and most of all judged. Yet at the same time I have the thought in my head that I am worth fighting for, God has fought for me and I am still here. Joyce Meyer says our minds are a BATTLEFIELD and she is correct. It is a battlefield. All those thoughts that run rapid in your mind causing you to presume all sorts of things without even asking, causing you to presume things about yourself that are not even truth, and mostly it causes you to stop and not do what God would love for you to do. He created me to be a relational person. I enjoy talking, listening, and being of some sort of help with others, but since I look like a beach whale it stops me from reaching out to my community. I have had several people including Timothy my old therapist tell me that I have a positive quality that can inspire others to go way beyond what they think they can do just because of my story. Sitting alone in my apartment with my cat Nicholas I do not feel inspiring. I find having to suction an annoyance and an hindrance because if I go anyway I have to cart two machines with me, catheters, a humidipher, medications, saline water, clamps, extra trachs, a wheelchair all to wherever I am going. I am anxious about going to Longview next Thursday and spening sometime there because of this equipment, before the t-tube all I needed was my clothes and now I have a lot more than just clothes. I am going to go anyway, simply because I want to relate with my friends Summer and Karen and whoever would like to see me and I am also hunting for a new place to live. I have decided that I need to be with people who support me instead of hiding like the monster out in their cave all the time and when someone comes trespassing I start throwing spitballs at them and bellowing. In order to break the strongholds, one has to renew their mind with new thoughts and actions that are God based and even though I scared to death of all these new changes. I am still here standing, breathing, and suctioning. And God knows I am annoyed by the process and He loves me anyway.