I do not normally write about my fears and such on my blog because it gets boring reading about someone who only talks and whines about their illness. I do it once in a while when I need to truly get it off my chest. This is one of those times.
The last two weeks I have been on a roller coaster ride. It all started with me taking my trach out for its annual cleaning and having issues with reinserting it back in. I saw my ENT Dr. Anderson, scheduled a dilation and a revision of my stoma surgery for June 26th and then I get a phone call that Dr. Anderson has resigned as my doctor and Dr. Wilson will be my doctor and I am rescheduled for surgery on Saturday morning. Then Then on Thursday I get a phone call from Dr. Wilson’s office saying he wants to see me. I was okay with meeting the new doctor since I have never met him before. Well, the meeting did not go well with me. I will not be having surgery tomorrow as expected; because of my history he does not feel qualified in doing the surgery. He thinks that dilation is not the answer, a neck dissection surgery is. I knew a neck dissection was going to happen in my future. I have had a lot of dilations in the past three years and according to the doctor they are causing more trauma and they are not permanent fixes. I do want a permanent fix, but still.
After I got home from my disappointing doctor appointment I felt deflated, beaten up emotionally, pissed, scared, worthless, determined, throwing in the towel, and exhausted. I tried to distract my mind from these pestilent thoughts with playing games on Face book, where I chatted with a friend, but those pesky thoughts kept on making their way into my mind, so I went to bed. Where I slept and dreamed. When I am emotionally drained and upset there are two things that I do, I sleep, because I have a tendency to work out the problem in my dreams or I go eat out the house. I went to bed. I slept. I dreamed.
Upon waking up, I had some revealing thoughts that came into my mind that streamed from a dream I had. The dream: I was driving in a car (strange since I do not drive anymore, due to my health). I was driving up Beacon Hill Drive and then onto the steep street Scenic View Drive where I used to own my house that I sold seven years ago to have a better life here in Vancouver. While driving I saw a bunch of semis on the road that were moving houses and I thought that is strange since normally semi-trucks do not drive on these streets they would barely fit. Then I looked down and I saw a cat on the floor where the peddles were and then all of a sudden the cat jumped out the window once I turned onto Scenic View Drive. When I got my old house, I saw that it was abandoned, no one was living there and it was a big mess. And I saw notes hanging on the door and the note said something about the sewer pipes needing to be repaired or fixed. I woke thinking to myself what in the heck. There is a great website that helps you interrupt dreams that I use. I happen to believe that dreams have psychological meanings and it is a great tool that God uses to help His people work through problems and He gives answers and comfort through them. I happen to believe this because that is when I am most vulnerable and ready to listen. Let’s face it I get bombarded with everyday life things and when you are sleeping you are not truly having those negative thoughts and such that keep you distracted from God talking to you.
This is what I have gotten from that dream. First, I am changing stages in my life, from getting a new set of team. Dr. Anderson resigned from his practice with Ear, Nose, and Throat Clinic and that leaves me with only one option of working with Dr. Hillel at the University of Seattle. God, in His wisdom already provided the surgeon and yes, he and his students did break my pneumothorax, which I hear is a hard thing to do, still I am still alive. I am not dead. It was his first surgery; I cannot be hard hearted towards that. Yes, the distance is far away, but for some reason God wants me to be at the University of Washington to get it done and not hear. If I was supposed to get it done hear things would be running much smoother. I am to meet with the doctors up there on July 10th as planned in order to get back to where I can be. Yes, I hate it. I am resistant to the idea. Something I have learned about resistance is that when I am feeling that way it usually means that I must go forward anyway.
If you feel so inclined to pray, would you please pray that one, my sister Vickie will for sure come up and stay with me during my healing process because my brother Rob and Kris cannot and neither can my sister Carri. Rob, Kris, and Carri are there for me always. They have other responsibilities to attend to and I do understand that. All the details need to be worked out. I did some research on what a neck dissection surgery entails, but mine will be nearer to the chest. My lympnodes will not be affected, because I don’t have cancer. That is when they usually do this type of surgery. I am thankful I do not have surgery. This is serious business.
Amber, John, and I at Amber and John’s Wedding 2009.
This morning, my friend of 25 years Amber and her husband John are driving from Chelan Washington to spend some time with me. I am excited. I will a bit distracted by them. Have a wonderful Saturday everyone. Remember to breathe deep and smile.
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