For the last couple of weeks I have been doing some deep work on my own self-worth. A couple of weeks ago if you remember reading I had to find out what my values were in each section and figure out goals for each section. Now, I am doing the detail work in those areas, especially the areas that involve intimate relationships. I wrote for my first goal in intimate relationships that I wanted to find and work on my own self-worth before I would do any of the other things. I put that as number one because in my own mind if I am not valuing who I am then I am not capable of engaging in a healthy relationship with a man or even with family or friends. Truthfully, finding my own worth doesn’t just affect the intimate relationships, but it affects all the values in different ways including with family and friends. Last week, Timothy my wonderful therapist gave me a worksheet to read and to do at home. The crux of the reading centered around finding my self-worth by listing my qualities, so I did that, now I am to have others tell me what they see in me as qualities that make me who I am and make me great in their own experiences of me. I asked three people, I asked these three people because they were easy to contact and were able to give me the answers quickly and it wasn’t a chore. One of those people was my blood sister Vickie, we have the same mom and we were raised with many of the same negative thought patterns. I have even discovered that many of my negative thoughts have the voice of my sister and my birth mom, especially ones that deal with men. I am sure that many of my sister’s negative thoughts are twinge with our mom’s voice also. I have been learning that many of my negative patterns steam from my past and how I was initially raised by my birth mother for the first thirteen years of my life. Here is an awesome youtube video from John Maxwell.

That being said the first week my assignment consisted of me writing down what I thought my positive qualities were and then I had to ask a few people in my life what my positive qualities were. I only asked three people Myron, Vickie, and Summer. I would have asked a few others but they were not available at the time. Quite honestly I was surprised by the answers that I got from the three people I did ask. A lot of my qualities are relationship oriented, which makes sense now that I know that my core value is relationship. I value my relationships with others more than any of the other values that are out there. The qualities that I listed were: Stubborn (yes this is a good quality to have, despite what people might say), Compassionate, and a great sense of Humor. I could only think of three… Vickie thought of four of them, but she chose different ones which are: Loyal, Good Counselor, Trustworthy, and Motivated. Myron chose: Loyal, Trustworthy, Compassionate, Empathetic, devoted, caring, emotional, knowledgeable, and reliable. And Summer chose: forthright, kind, articulate, creative, inquisitive, thoughtful, reasonable, analytical, fair, process oriented, and respectful. Those are my qualities that everyone listed. I can see them, I am not in the middle of accepting that these are my qualities and I own them as mine.

This week Timothy gave me an assignment of writing down my negative thoughts that go through my head and he gave me a sheet that helps me to evaluate whether my negative thoughts are reliable and to switch them around. I did not want to do this assignment and yes I know when I am resistant to doing it. I need to get it done. Friday night I started the process of writing down what my negative thoughts, a lot of them are centered around my disease (Vasculitis).

Here are my negative thoughts:
I am not capable of sticking to an eating plan.
I will never be able to breathe like a normal 38 year old woman. I feel irritated, like a failure, jealous, envious, and like a big fat blog.
I am not strong enough to eat properly.
I can’t do anything.
I will always be a big stinky mess. I feel gross and like a pig.
I will always be unable to get the things I want, a degree, a healthy relationship, ability to drive again, travel the world, cook, and celebrate life. I feel pissed off, like a failure, combative, and ready to say just fuck it.
I am not able to be an author despite what others say.
I have no reason to keep on fighting.
All my reading, research, and gaining of knowledge about my disease, nutrition, and self-healing is worthless to me especially if I don’t follow through.
All men are scumbags and should be shot. All they want is Vagina. The voices I hear consist of my birth mom, Vickie, and Carri.
All healthy foods taste nasty and gross.
I take Predisone which causes weight gain, bloating so why should I watch what I eat or drink? I can’t lose weight while on them.
When a man is nice to me, he wants something from me. I hear Vickie and Carri’s voice when I think these negative thoughts.
White and I do not get along. I can’t wear white or be around anything white without mess it up.
Why do exercises if I am not going to lose weight?
Why would anyone want to be with someone in my condition? My trach, my weight, my disease (Vasculitis) and all my medical issues, does not make any sense.
I have no creativity in my bones.
I am a huge burden to my family in needing of rides to Seattle, other Dr. Appointments, someone to lean on, talk to about things.
I am selfish in needing a lot of support with my frailties.
I am not capable of having a healthy relationship with my family or friends or a man.
I am not worthy of caring for myself. Physically with hygiene, eating properly, drinking enough water, taking my medications, getting exercise, or caring for myself emotionally or spiritually.
That is all I am going to write, now I must work on the next step. I am sure more negative thoughts will come up, but my brain is tired.