Not Gonna Give In To It

I am frustrated. My throat is constricting again from the damn disease that I have called GPA (Wegener’s). That means that soon I will be going into surgery yet again to get dilated so that I can breathe for a few months before I need it again. I just had an endoscopy done on April 16th and now this. I noticed it when I took my trach out to clean and reinserted it back into the hole that it was harder to push in and hurt badly. I got the trach in, as I did today when I took it out at the ENT so that he can stick his larynxscopy down my hole and down my nose. Not a good feeling at all, but I have learned to love the device that helps the doctors see and helps me get a vision of what my throat looks like.
I am working on my attitude and become like the Olivia Newton John song “Not Gonna Give In To It”, but I have difficulty in this task. I feel like I am on some sort of demented roller coaster ride and I want out, but just as it starts to get to a place where it will stop, it suddenly gains speed and flies right past where I need to be and keeps on going. Can I just say debilitating, frustrating, makes me want to yank what hair I have left out of my head and say fuck this shit. Yes, I know I just said the fuck word, but sometimes fuck is all there is left to say. I felt this way for a long period of time until I started reading a blog from my friend Elise Adams about Green Living titled “Where Do I Start? A Green Living and Homesteading Inventory”, something in her post brought to light something I have not done yet and that is taking inventory. Not of what I have, but what I am doing right. What a thought? Taking an inventory of what I am doing correctly to combat this dreaded Vasculitis disease.
Let me, what am I doing correctly?
1) I go to my doctor appointments and talk to my doctors even when I have something negative to say to them about how they are caring for me. An example: just this morning, I told Dr. A, my beloved ENT I did not like how he inserted my trach in last time and I love him and like him, but he was not gentle and I want to do it. Guess what he was okay with that and learned something.
2) I am working on how I am fueling my body. Yes, I have those moments when a bag of chips or some sweet tasting treat hits me, but for the most part I am eating better. I am even got blessed with a juicer to aide me in this endeavor. Myron and I have been juicing machines and I even used some beet, carrot, and ginger juice in some lentils and can I say yum city.
There are many more, but I will only leave two to be seen at this time. The point I’m trying to make is that I can choose to lie down and cry me a river tune or I can stand and face the beast head on and keep going. I am choosing to keep going and face the beast.