Often time when I am resistance to doing something that is a key indication that God is telling me that I need to do the task. I am feeling that resistance this week, I better tell you what my assignment is so you can see why I am resisting. Over a week ago Timothy my therapist gave me a sheet of paper titled values worksheet to take home and feel out, so I did it. Only took me a couple of days to fill out my definition of each item were and rank it. No big deal, I found it helpful to see how I valued each section. Well Friday I took it in and shared it with him. He gave me a second assignment to now write out specific goals for each section. That is what I am resisting. Here is why I am resisting; commitment is a hard thing for me to do, because I fail a lot. When I make a decision to accomplish something I change my mind just as quickly or I give up. I hate that about myself. That is why I am resisting. I have so many goals that I want to achieve before I leave this earth. And God knows this, I’ve been praying a lot lately about how do I change that aspect of myself that has a hard time sticking to a change for a long period of time in order for me to be healthy in all manners of my life. I got this assignment from Timothy on Friday and I’ve been praying what to do about my resistance and so yesterday all day I slept on it and I dreamed about a house and remodeling it from the outside in and I had one door that was the room where I lock up those negative voices that have destroyed me. I knew they were there, but they no longer had rule over my entire house. They had one room and I can choose to take one out at a time to deal with them. As with the metaphor of my dream I am locking all these sections in a room and dealing with them one at time this week, instead of looking at them all. Heck I have two weeks before I see Timothy plenty of time to get the list done. I am choosing to start with an easy one just so I can dip my toe into the water. I am choosing to start with the section called “SPIRITUALITY”. And I found two songs that touch on this part of my resistance. The first one is “Thank You” by Alanis Moriessette and the second is “Dreams” by the Cranberries.
Nine years ago I met a woman named Linda Haarstad through my friend Summer whom I have known since seventh grade. She had house meetings at her house that dealt with fractures and Jesus. Losing sight of what Jesus truly wanted for his people and what it meant to actual die in Jesus. I enjoyed going to the group and learning from a couple of wise individuals about this new concept. They took psychology and Jesus combining the fractured mind and how to heal it, focusing on the present moment. If you want to know more check out their book “Out From The Shadow Of Other God’s” by Gordon Brownlee with Linda Haarstad. The reason I am sharing their book and their insight is because that is the basics for my value of spirituality. It is a balance of grace and judgment and forgiveness that you can only achieve if you are in God and He is in you. I am a failure at this balance, but I am getting better at the balance the more I am relying on God’s wisdom to guide me through things and not going into fractured modes and emotional roller coaster rides.
Here are the goals I desire to accomplish in my pursuit.
1) Read Beth Moore’s book “Jesus 90 Days with the One and Only” It will take me more than 90 days to finish it because I am going to read one section every Sunday for my time with God instead of church. At this present time I have no way of getting to a church to hear the music and be with uplifting people. I am ready to experience it, but right now that is not an option.
2) Practice the body scan meditation every morning before I start my day. A body scan meditation is a program that garners awareness of your body at the present moment. It aides individuals into feeling their bodies and not fracture off. I found a great meditation from Mark Williams on Spotify. I am hoping to buy the CD soon.
3) Journal daily: My cousin Deanna shared with me about starting a prayer journal. I thought wow, I love that idea. I want to do it. Yet again it is something I started but never fully started. I bought a pretty journal to write in, but I only wrote one prayer in it when I got. I want to make it a daily habit, talking to God about the things I am praying about.
4) Watch Joyce Meyer and Paula White videos on the Internet on Sundays. Both of these women have Sunday service available on-line for those of us who are not able to leave the house. I love that. I think it would be cool if a local church had this capability. If anyone knows of one in the Vancouver/Portland areas, please let me know.
5) Actually write a gratitude journal. Sad to say another thing I learned about and got a journal, but never did.
Those are my goals for my spirituality section of my assignment. Every day this week I am going to work on each section and I am going to share what I am aiming to do to help me be accountable to someone. I will be sharing my triumphs and failures even with a chronic illness I am aiming to be the best person I can be and show how much I am loved and that I am able to love and be a productive human being.
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