I am just going to come right out and say it, I feel like crap today. I am extremely tired, even with a nap, I am not hungry, my appetite is gone, a side affect of the medication, For the last three days my appetite has gone out the door, which is strange. I have been making myself eat, because I know I need to. Part of me wants this to last, yes, I admit it I have what you would classify as morbidly obese, I am currently, if my scale is to be believed at 290 pounds and I know that my weight plays havoc with my body and the inflammation that runs wild in my veins. My friend Summer wrote several weeks ago about writing what I am going through instead of just writing about the positive. I am not able to stay positive all the time, no one can. I read a few things lately that have brought up some major issues that I need to work on in my life.
I was reading in the Joyce Meyer book “Living Beyond Your Feelings” and she says: “Most changes take place without our permission. But we can choose to adapt. If we refuse to make the transition in our minds and attitudes, then we are making a huge mistake. Our refusal to adapt doesn’t change the circumstances, but it does steal our peace and joy. Remember, if you can’t do anything about, then cast your care and let God take care of you.”
Nothing new for me, just the need to choose to adapt and accept that changes that have manifested themselves in my body and in previous relationships. That being said I made the choice to see a therapist. Last Thursday February 28th, 2012 I chose to pursue getting help outside of my support team. Not that I don’t have a reliable and an amazing support team, but sometimes God leads someone into your life to help you face choices and decisions from the past to guide you into making better choices and to process through all the garbage that I have chosen to pick up along the way. That being said, can you guess what one of my biggest issues is? Anyone who knows me deeply and intimately knows that I have a magnitude of issues with me that stem from my past with having a ton of them cross boundaries of the little girl Jamie. And though there have been times I have been the biggest bitch to many man and I sometimes want to drop kick them to ground or even better spit at them with my new tool I have decided that is not a good thing to do, because even if it is difficult for me to say this right now and hopefully in time it will get easier there are some good guys out there that don’t deserve to be spitted at or drop kicked. I do have a dual personality when it comes to men, as I stated above I sometimes get the mean girl attitude with them and then there have been a few that I have drained my energy to the maximum level and gave my all to them in order to be with them which allowed them to treat me like garbage and let them use me up until I am exhausted.
Anyway, I met up with a therapist named Timothy who I will be working with until August 21, 2012 before he moves on and then I will be moving on. I am going to share my goals with everyone and if you have input great, if not that is okay too. I am sharing what I will be working on in my self, in preparation for a great life ahead for me.

My goals:

1) Learn to identify safe and unsafe relationships with men and develop trust in safe relationships. I want to learn to have safe, healthy relationships with men.
Objective: Identify at least 2 signals that indicate a relationship might be unsafe each week and at least 2 signals that they are safe and report 2 healthy interactions with men each week.

2) Develop mindfulness and acceptance skills for coping with lifestyle changes secondary to medical issue. I need to gain acceptance of the trach and learn tools to accept that I have to eat a special diet all in preparation for an up coming major surgery.
Objective: Learn and practice mindfulness and acceptance skills 2-3 times per week.

3) Learn and practice coping skills for dealing with depression. I need to actually put the skills into practice.

Objective: Practice a new coping skill for depression at least 2-3 times per week.