My Picker Is Broken

If you want to get to the castle, you have to swim the moat. Eat, Pray, Love

For new year’s eve I watched “Eat, Pray, and Love”. There was one line in the movie when Liz is talking to the male friend she made in the Ashram in India and she is upset because she is not concentrating on God and instead concentrating on the two guys in her life, one her ex-husband and the other the old boyfriend whom she left on this long journey to get away from. I totally get Liz and her predicament. I had a male friend that I spent 5 years of my life devoted to, no we were not together in a romantic relationship, but it was a close friendship, at least in my mind. When he got a girlfriend and I started getting sick things changed drastically. He played head games with me during the time period when he had his girlfriend and he had me. He would call me and would say things such as I will contact you to see if you lose weight, that was our last conversation on the phone, and then he wrote me a face book message that said this is not fuck off and that I was the cause of all of his headaches and he needed a break from me, well that has been almost two years, two years in April. Well, I found out that he and his girlfriend just had a baby boy, I am happy for them, wish the baby boy luck with his parents and send them all love and light. Hearing the news brought on the reality check that he had no intention of being my friend in the first place, it brought out memories of how he would disappear for periods of time when he had a new love interest and he wouldn’t even explain to me why he disappeared. I think that is what has been the toughest to get over, there was no real communication, no closure. I went through a friendship breakup and my friend Summer actually told me her reasons and was honest and did not play head games with me at all. I respect that and now she is back in my life and we are building a new and stronger foundation. I understand that friendships have their ups and downs and they can grow or they can deflate. I know I went off on a tangent explaining this dysfunctional relationship with Monte. The point that I am trying to make is that I decided to swim through the moat to reach my castle. My castle is in my heart, where God and I connect, communicate, and I can feel him. How can I connect, communicate, and feel him when I am swimming in the dysfunction of a cluster fuck (my new word) of a relationship. My 2012 needs to be focused on myself, my goals, my dreams, my castle, and I need, no, I want relationships that are positive, inspirational, and most importantly based on realness and not some illusion that is built on a foundation of quick sand. I am so thankful that I do have real relationships, more than I thought. So to help me swim through this moat until I reach the castle, I have put away all things that remind me of this person. The CD’s he burned me of his songs that he wanted me to listen to, I got rid of the TV set that he gave me (it was old, from like circa 1988 so there was not real loss there) and I put away all the pictures of him that I have. I didn’t burn them, I did not rip them up, I put them away in a closet. Because despite the fact that he treated me poorly a lot of the time, I did enjoy certain aspects of what our friendship entailed and he did help get me through a hard point in my life with the loss of my boyfriend to death in 2004-2005 and even now, he is a catalyst of the change that I am making in my life now. Now that I am not swarming in the misery of the dysfunction, I can see clearly that it was not a good friendship, it was based on fulfilling the needs of the moment, when he fulfilled that need, it was time to close that chapter and start again. I send him light and love even though I am hurt and sadden by the way he chose to walk away, I am not sorry that he and I were friends and we did what we did as friends, but I am angry that he treated me with disrespect.
So today, January 1st, I am stepping into a new journey, which entails me going through my health issues, examining the core of who I am, learning what I want, what I need, and how I feel, and how I am going to choose to focus on my health and going towards my degree in psychology. I want to become a therapist, I want to travel, I want a real loving relationship, but I am alert enough to know that my picker is broken, as my friend Summer says. I have concur that my picker is broken too Summer. That being said, I am taking a hiatus from pursuing any type of a relationship with males, I need time to heal and the only way to do that is with a clean break. From this day forward I will not speak about him and when I think of him, I will send him light and love and move on.