These two pictures are difficult for me to post, they show a wound on my sides that have significant meaning. These are the vents, one for exhaling and one for inhaling that kept me alive while the doctor fixed the tear that happened in my thorax. This morning while getting dressed for a doctor appointment, I decided to take a picture of them so that I could actually see what they look like. I love my new camera and I will be enjoying using to record my journey. Looking at all my wounds, you can see that I was in a fight for my life and boy, do I feel it in every part of my body. My emotions, wonder why am I going through? What assignment does God have for me? What is the purpose of going through this trying time? I am so tired, no, tired is not the correct word, I am drained, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I am also so thankful that I am still here, to eat chocolate, snuggle with Nicholas, spend time with my family, read, do my school work, though, I do have to admit I have not done much since I have gotten out. I am hoping that tomorrow and the weekend I will be able to read through my assignments that I missed and have it done before class resumes on January 2nd.

I have a tone of water retention in my legs and body. In fact, I have gained 38 pounds of water and here is a shot of what it looks like in my leg and feet.  I feel extremely bloated and deflated by this whole process, since everyone knows that one of my goals is to lose 150 pounds, so this feels like a waste of my time.  I am going to allow myself to feel these feelings, but I am also going to come up with a better battle plan so that I will be able to meet my goals and do what I am suppose to do on this earth. My life was spared for a reason. My life is altered by this chance, by having my thorax torn, by having to wear this embarrassing trachea, that makes me sound like a pressure cooker going off or that I have bad gas, you can choose what you hear from it. I am not as physically strong as I once was, but that does not mean that I am not capable of achieving what I want. What I want is that BA degree in Psychology, what I want is a real loving relationship that does not play games or hurt each other for no reason, built on truth and honesty, what I want is healthy relationships with family and friends, what I want is a brand new red car, a trip to Italy, helping children, teenagers, people in general heal from traumas that happen in their lives, to see that even if you have been beaten to a bloody pulp you can still stand up and do something, you don’t have to lay down and die. That is what I am wanting, even though I am beaten to a bloody pulp, cuts, bruises, and pain everywhere I will be standing tall and facing the challenge. Oh before I forget another want I have is for the doctors to find a fix to my throat, so that I can breathe and do all the things I want with joy and reverence and thankfulness. Yep, I know a big want list, but I know it is doable.