“Beauty rose up from the healing of her deepest wounds” This statement is written on a journal that I received last year that I have not used. I found it today, I have decided to use it as a gratitude journal. Beauty rose up from my wounds, what a thought. I have not seen beauty in the dilemma that my body is in and the way I feel day after day working towards my destination. My eyes need to be readjusted from the selfish, egotistical version of what actual beauty contains. That is my journey, I have false messages that have been handed down to me by those who have claimed to love me and accept me for how I am. I put my valuable gold into these mirages and have been paying dearly for them.

My journey started on the day I was born, the curves, rocks, obstacles that I face now plummet me into the thinking, consideration, and healing that I am desiring in my heart.

Right now, I am suffering from the obstacle of inflammation in my throat, not being able to breathe, not having the answers that I need so that I can do what is necessary to heal fully. I am frustrated, all the doctors are frustrated, my family, and my friends feel the frustration and the pain that I am experiencing and even though they do not actual know the way I feel, they try to understand and empathize with me. That does help a lot. I am journeying through medical advice, examinations, nutritional help, and now I am exploring the possibility that I need to journal further into my spiritual healing with Jesus. I have had a few people tell me that I might be in some need of deliverance ministry, because of the fact that the tests always come up inconclusive, something is wrong, but we can’t tell you what it is. I feel it is getting worse as time marches on and I am willing to look deeper into the spiritual realm to see what messages are there. I have been nervous about this exploration, when I think of deliverance, I envision cooky things such as dancing with snakes, people making me drink blood, or some horrendous act that seems so vile and disgusting and I want to run screaming, help me, these people are mad! I want to feel the joy of worshiping God again, I want to feel the dirt between my fingers and know what I feel is God’s present again, I want to have lively discussions and meaningful talks with people who not only understand what I am desiring, but also have done some great work towards these areas of their lives. I have been stranded in my own deprecating debauchery for too long and now I am ready to rattle the chains. Yes, I know Jesus has the keys and believe me he has unlocked them, now I am like the weak woman walking into the sun, parched, and ready to drink, but need help to the well.

I wrote the gentlemen Sunday night that I was recommended, now it is a waiting game. Today my neighbor Kay loaned me some books on healing. One is Christ The Healer by F. F. Bosworth, I am not that far into the book, but I am on the section where he is speaking about “The Word Is The Seed” and you know what, it makes total sense to me. The part that struck me deeply and has me falling to my knees is this statement “When your eyes are upon your symptoms and your mind is occupied with them more than with God’s love you have in the ground the wrong kind of seed for the harvest that you desire. You have the seeds of doubt. You are trying to raise one kind of crop from the seed of another. It is impossible to sow tares and reap wheat. Your symptoms may point you to death, but God’s word points you to life, and you cannot look in these opposite directions at the same time.” I believe it was last April when I went to Heart Design with my sister and Alger and Gloria had us to a planting seed demonstration time with God. I will admit that I did not understand the exercise and I didn’t feel good about doing the exercise that he was having us do. I felt totally ridiculous about it. Seeds make things grow, God tell us to plant seeds of his word and love, but for some reason the whole thing eluded me, until I read this small section about it. Have I been planting the seeds of being a puzzle for so long now that I am reaping what I have planted now? Do I have what it takes to dig up the ground and cultivate new seeds and stop concentrating on being sick and actually doing what my assignment is from God? I believe right now God is working in my mind, as well as in my body concerning these areas of my life. Anyone who has done Heart Design, I was wondering if you could let me know what the exercise was where we dug up and planted seeds and such. I would love the opportunity to do it again, now that I understand the whole concept.   As I saunter down my path to healing in all manners of life, I will keep on going…