I finally have more information about my inflammation in my body and the treatments that I will be undertaking shortly. I have my appointment set with Dr. Park on Monday November 7th to discuss Rituxan treatments and the results of my biopsy that was done on Friday the 14th and the scary experience of bleeding my throat when Dr. Anderson went in with the balloon. My body is full of inflammation and I can feel it.
My feelings consist of fear, uncertainty, hurry let’s get going, to doubt. I read some information about Rituxan. It is a drug used to treat cancer. Basically, I will be going through chemo treatments like my father did when he fought his colon cancer six years ago. That scares the crap out of me. I don’t have cancer, but for some reason my body is attacking itself. The side effects from the infusions will consist of nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, night sweats, heart burn, weight gain, muscle and back pain, flushing, tiredness, numbness in hands and feet, burning and tingling in hands and feet, and runny nose. Now doesn’t that just sound so inviting? I am already experiencing pain in my back and joints, I do not need anymore. I am going to go through the treatment, so that I can reach remission and become healthy. And now I am going to have to come up with some kind of plan so that I do not gain anymore weight, so that I can continue to lose while I am taking this drug. I will be talking to Robin about this when I see her on November 2nd for our monthly appointments. I will let her know that I will be taking this drug and what my body is doing, maybe she can help me even further so that I can reach my goal. I believe in nutrition, and I want to fuel my body so that I can fight this with every ounce of dignity and strength that I have. What I would like, if you feel lead to would be to pray for me during this time. Pray for my support TEAM Dr. Anderson, Dr. Park, my mom, Carri, Kris, Rob, Joy, Vickie so that they can be uplifted and strong when I am weak and that I will be able to rely and feel safe in going to them when I am not feeling like myself. That communication will continue and that LOVE will continue. I am mostly worried for my sister Vickie, because of the journey she is on now. I do not want her to worry about me and I want her to work on her own process’. Pray for Dr. Anderson and Dr. Park so that they will have all the information they will need and will communicate not only with each other, but with me. That especially Dr. Anderson will not beat himself up over not being able to fix the problem and not feel responsible, he felt that way when my surgery did not go so well last time. I appreciate he love and compassion for me and that means a lot, but I do not want to beat himself up over it either.
To keep my mind off of not feeling sorry for myself, I have been working on school work. I am learning about personal finances and how to study properly. I am in awe that this week is my mid term. I had my first mid term exam and I got a B.
I also discovered that I can go to church on line. I am not able to drive because of what my body is doing, so I have been looking for a way without relying on someone else to be a part of a community. I found Joyce Meyer’ website and she has video pod casts so that I am able to listen to teachings to improve my mind frame and not feel like a burden on my family or friends to get me around. I love it. I watch them for the first time on Sunday and she taught about confrontation and fear. I love how she teaches. Has anyone listened to her? What do you think of her?
I will keep you informed as I go on this journey. Right now, I am feeling strong in my trust that I am where I need to be, that God has my back and not only has my back but HE is providing what I need to go through my journey. I am just impatient at times, because it seems it is moving at a snails pace and I just want to get going, let’s do this. Just like when I went through rehabilitation learning how to walk, talk, and swallow again and I would freak out my physical therapists with how fast I moved and not allow myself time to adjust and allow them to help me, I am learning that now with this process. I am not allowing myself to experience my journey fully, to experience the joy, the love, the pain, the frustration, and most importantly the blessings that I have received because of my willingness to come out of myself and allow myself to have a TEAM who is willing to work with me and most importantly want to work with me. You may be asking me what do I mean the blessings of being sick? Well, yes, I do have a warped view about being sick and experiencing this whole process. First I am so blessed that I have three amazing doctors, a family, friends, and community that not only supports me, but shares valuable information with me. I am able to go to school while I am sick and going through treatments, which keeps my friend from going into the feel sorry for myself mode that would most likely happen if I didn’t have things that occupy my brain. I have also been blessed with others who are willing to share their stories of struggles with me and what works with me, so that we can support each other, so I don’t feel alone. And most importantly, this whole time God’s had my back through it all by showing synchronicity of events that make my journey even more of an amazing thing. I am not happy about having this unknown disease to me and having to go through a cancer treatment, especially since I don’t have cancer, but I am positive that I will come out of this whole journey better, stronger, patient, and able to be the good listener and do what my assignment is. I am choosing to view this whole thing as a blessing and not a hindrance. Okay, I will have to admit that I do have the “What the hell” moments,”Why Me?” moments, and “screw this” moments. I allow myself to feel these moments and then I let it go and trust God. As always, if you have any suggestions please feel free to share them with me, I love hearing about your own journey and what works for you. Blessings to all of you.
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